People like to say they love coffee but dump 1 gallon of sugar into it. You don’t love coffee you love candy.
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“Linda Hamilton has already saved the world three times. Let the poor woman rest, people.”
-my husband, watching the trailer for the new Terminator movie
Am I the only one who gives people in my neighborhood names they don’t know they have? a.k.a. “Running Man”,”Mustang Bob”, “Blue truck dude”
9 was yelling and throwing pencils & books around bc he couldn’t do his maths homework so I sat down with him to help and now 9 and I are both yelling and throwing pencils & books around bc we can’t do his maths homework
Cat: I want attention.
Me: *pets cat*
Cat: the f*** you think you’re doing??
[first date]
HER: I really like a man who notices things.
ME: [trying to impress] Your eyebrows make you look like an Angry Bird.
Parenting little kids is mostly saying “please eat” or “do NOT put that in your mouth”
I get Botox so my face won’t show people what I really think.
Any wedding can be a fairy tale wedding if you serve porridge and release three angry bears into the reception hall
My husband just asked if I want to go hiking for our anniversary.
I think he’s planning on pushing me off a cliff.
Chinese military tactics are pure genius.
Lmao
If I was a doctor I would scare my patients by pretending to go check google every time they asked me a question
[During quarantine]
Kidnapper: 25,000 by this Sunday if you want to see your kids again.
Me: how about 40,000 and you keep them til next weekend?
me: i think i got bit by a daddy long leg
her: your legs do look longer
me: oh no
her: i’m joking
me: hi joking i’m—OH NO
[to guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
dude that things for bears
[sees woman reading]
“Gone With The Wind? Great book! I love how the *clenches fist* tornado takes Dorothy & Toto to the Land Of Oz.”
Me: this math stuff isn’t gonna help us in the real world
[20 years later]
Boss: ok lift on three
Me: oh shit
I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae
Based on the amount of animal hair, clinging to your t-shirt, I’m going to pass on your homemade cookies, thank you.
My wife says I’m a clueless idiot.
I didn’t even know I had a wife.
My daughter and I tell each other “you are pretty” when the other does something stupid. Obviously, we say like 15 times a day.
I held a baby today. I was scared it would make me want a baby, but it just made me want to be a baby.
Nude Descending a Staircase is both my favorite work of art and the most common entry on my criminal records.
My friend asked me today if I started Christmas shopping.
I’m crying. While digging a hole to bury her.
Me: time to sleep
Brain: You have zero skills that would be useful in an apocalypse so when they start to ration food supplies, people will eat you
I’d like my parents to cheer for me for eating solid foods, taking steps, and sleeping thru the night now
PRINCE: Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair!
RAPUNZEL: (to hair) you’re really sweet but I think we should just be friends
I love you but I still wish your family would just pay the ransom.
Be the reason why church doors slam shut as you walk by.