Windows 10 has an extremely unhelpful error message
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Did you ever think about ten years ago you’d be saying.. “I really hope this is a chick I’m talking to”.
I’m into the “girl next door” type. Until the restraining order takes effect and I have to move.
Then I’m into the “cute, angry girl that’s always 50ft away from me” type.
If you ever see me with one of those stick figure family bumper stickers it means I’m dead and someone is wearing my skin
[in car]
7: mom, who sings this song?
Me: Pink Floyd*5 minutes later*
7: who sings this one?
Me: still Pink Floyd, buddy
got an email from my bank saying “is your 401k enough to retire on” and it’s like you are my bank you know it is not
I hope Kim and Kanye surprise everyone and name this next kid something like Bill or Jen
I don’t know which meme to get my news from today
My birthday’s 9 months after my dad’s. So I have to live with that knowledge.
The chaotic energy of the dude at my gym who just chugged a Monster energy drink before walking into a yoga class is the same energy I’m trying to channel this year.
*me looking at a police lineup*
Number 3 is cute. OMG Is he single? Give him my number! What? Oh. Right. Five. Number 5 killed my grandpa.
Kudos to NPH for keeping it brief. #Oscars
Me: waiter, do you have frog legs?
Waiter: of course monsieur
Me: good, hop over there and get me a beer
[God wakes up] oh man i am hungover, what’d i do last night?
[sees that goats have the ability to scream now] haha oh yea
It’s all fun and games until somebody fails a drug test.
not to brag, but my pizza cutter has 175,000 miles on it
Me: I don’t know what to do on my date
Friend: show her some local culture[later]
Date: hi
Me: *holds out hands* look at this yogurt
still bigger than my 1st New York apartment
You would think my neighbors would appreciate me petting their dogs every day.
But nooooo, they’re too worried about how I keep getting into their house.
Me: Jesus, are these… are these claw marks in the sand?
Jesus: I put you on the back of an emu lololololol
Finishing a book is like saying goodbye to an old friend. Finishing a show you binge-watched is like staggering out of a motel where you’ve been holed up for 24 hours with someone you met while trying to score crack.
The only thing that’s not possible is staying away from you…
-stalker’s
#parenting
My first thought after seeing some recent footage of UFOs in our airspace was, “Guys, could you come back at a better time?”
animals really be single moms of 6-8 just holding it down daily like girl what
I bet the people worried about what’s in the vaccine never even take a peek in the kitchen when they eat in a restaurant
WIFE: I regret getting you that blender for Christmas.
ME: {drinking toast} Why?
The moral of Snow White is if a woman poisons you because you’re prettier than her, find some men to chase her off a cliff while you sleep.
Before you ask me to proofread anything, know that I spent 30 years thinking “FAQs” was short for “Facts”.
ELLEN: so I hear you’re a big fan of sleeping ??
ME: yeah, totally
[producer walks out with a rag soaked in chloroform]
ME: OMG ELLEN YOU DIDN’T
I’ve become obsessed with the idea that Jesus was a terrible guitarist but no one told him to stop because they were afraid of his dad.