*opens tube of pillsbury crescent rolls*
*crosses off list: do one thing everyday that scares you.*
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Phil Collins’ “In The Air Tonight” is the best ever song about a silent but deadly fart.
I once tried to the Dirty Dancing lift with my cat but it turns out Mr. Mittens isn’t very strong.
[Wonder Woman shows up]
Superman: Is she with you?
Batman: I thought she was with you?
Wonder Woman: Bruce you literally emailed me today
6YO: Can I eat a cookie?
Me: Finish your dinner first
6YO: My stomach is full except for a circle shaped space
I shaved and now I can fit into my smaller jeans.
I’ve seen The Blair Witch Project and that’s all I need to know about camping.
[Men’s Deodorant Scent]
Pure Swagger for 72 hours Steel Cage Match Wrestling a Half Man Half Crocodile like Creature[Women’s Deodorant Scent]
Lavender
HER: Put down the bottle babe you have an alcohol problem.
ME: *spritzing doorknobs* I can stop any time I want.
They should make engagement ring boxes that whisper “Dont do it” when you open them.
remember you can close your eyes and imagine a mouse holding a cocktail umbrella walking across a spaghetti noodle tight rope any time you want. no one can stop you
the “i feel like things can’t get any worse” to “oh i see” pipeline
The perfect label doesn’t exi-
I’m at my most cat-like when I’m starting a roll of toilet paper.
The thing about minigolf is you can only make the putt in 2 strokes or 16. There is no in between.
I thought that was the most idiotic thing I’d ever heard, until you explained it… now it’s the second most idiotic thing.
During this heat wave with high humidity I’ve not wasted time combing my hair and I’m looking like a chia pet.
[first day in Hell]
Me: I can’t wait to bust out of here
Devil: there is no escape
Me: no? [shakes kool-aid packet]
Me: *sits still 90% of my day by choice* This is nice.
Also me: *stuck in traffic* You mean I just have to SIT here?!’
One day an iPhone is going to explode, and Android people are going to be like, “Samsung has had this feature for years”.
My boyfriend is watching Glee voluntarily and tapping his foot and smiling. That makes me a lesbian now, right?
It’s faster just accepting that a fish learned to walk and then everything got weirder.
I gave my son an iPhone for Christmas and I haven’t seen him since.
Parenting is easy.
My 5-year-old just asked if we could have Hotdog Bell for dinner.
There is no Hotdog Bell here.
I’m not sure if there’s a Hotdog Bell at all.
What if your dog speaks French and this whole time has been asking you for some beef?
Y’know who else threw the bubble-wrap away without popping all the bubbles?
Hitler
Yes liquor store clerk, I do need help. But I decided to come here instead.
Hey I bet if lumberjacks had a dating app it’d be called Timber. And I bet also that if beavers had a dating app it’d also be called Timber. And I even bet—hell, I’m willing to say it—I bet if pirates had a dating app it’d be called Timber, too. You know as in shiver me
Not everyone was Kung foo fighting
I was just trying to get out of my sports bra
My friend showed me her new vegan pants. I know vegans can be annoying and everything, but should we really be making pants out of them?
Milk crates are like a Swiss Army knife for the poor…
Need a stool? Milk crate!
A bookshelf? Milk crate! A side table? Two milk crates!