Whoa new Barbie movie cast is stacked
You Might Also Like
me: [throws jacket over a puddle like a gentleman]
my date: why my jacket
Jesus: Honor my sacrifice by refusing meat on all holy days and each Friday.
John the fisherman: *slides Jesus $20*
Jesus: Also, Fish isn’t meat.
I need a man who talks as fast as Kevin Hart. I got shit to do.
Morpheus: You’re The One Neo
Neo: You’re sure?
M: I’ve known for some time
N: *leans in for the kiss*
M: WHOA, that’s not what I meant bro..
Apparently yesterday was World Homeopathy Day. Homeopathy is so useless, even its awareness day doesn’t get noticed. Maybe they should try diluting it across several months?
Walking around the house in my undies again…
Not sure whose house it is, but I’m sure they won’t mind
COP: Do you realize you were speeding back there?
ME: Can you be sure it wasn’t just the planet slowing down?
COP: I’m listening
In space, nobody can hear you scream for ice cream. So remember, before trips to colonize the galaxy bring your Ben & Jerrys.
Death metal fans are complaining abt all the noise. Irony.
I think I overdosed on comfort food last night….
That makes 7,427 days in a row.
“Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.”
– Mark Twain
BOSS: why are you late?
ME:
student loan “forgiveness?” so you admit. student loans are a sin.
If you wear a ship’s captain’s hat around, people will just do what you say. I run a Starbucks, a Target, a submarine, and two street gangs.
Screw you, targeted Facebook ad for adult diapers!
*thinks about not having to pause TV or games*
*orders some*
Growing up, I had lots of nicknames but my best would always be ‘Officer! That’s him over there’… It gave me my sprinter’s physique.
3 just told me he wants all the things pirates have for Christmas, including a real sword and a pirate ship.
Anyone have a good pirate ship guy?
When I want to trim down my friend’s list on FB I give my opinion and let nature do the rest.
[me buying something stupid and don’t need that’s $7.99] cool it’s only seven bucks
[me later] can’t believe i wasted ten bucks on this
DR: So, you’re 36 years old, 4 foot tall & sound like a woman. How can I help you today, Mr Simpson?
BART: I don’t know where my hair starts
RANGER: watch out for wolves
ME: oh ya?
RANGER: so relentless-
[wolf runs up w/ bible] HAVE U HEARD ABOUT OUR LORD & SAVIOR JESUS CHRIST
English, if I ran it:
A group of geese is called a “group”
A group of buffalo is called a “group”
A group of catfish is called a “group”
“I was so high that I cried because I realized that snakes are just tails with faces”
🙋♀️
jurisprudence- an accused is innocent until proven guilty.
media- an accused is guilty until proven innocent.
colony aunty’s principle- guilty after proven innocent too.
Apparently, if you stop to help an armored truck broke down on the side road, they’ll mace and taser you. In that order.
me: I just don’t think this relationship is healthy for either of us
bucket of fried chicken:
Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory is the most whimsical film about the systematic murder of children that I have ever seen.
Playdough smells better than other philosophers
True love doesn’t care about the look or size of your wallet, it’s all about what is inside ….. the wallet.