[planning a family vacation]
Me: …then we’ll get a bus between the cities.
Kids: Yayy, cool!
Wife: That’s quite some distance, how long’s this bus?
M: About 45 feet, I guess
W: I despise you
You Might Also Like
Kylo Ren: I am your father.
Rey: We’re roughly the same age. You’re just copying everything Vader said.
Kylo Ren: NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
A 12 year old posts a selfie, 37 RTs and 1013 likes.
I post a selfie, I lose 18 followers and my family disowns me.
The neighbors saw me plow over three sprinkler heads trying to back out of the driveway, so now I need to move.
My little girl will never have daddy issues.
But her future boyfriends will.
My nephew asks so many questions that Alexa just told him it’s okay to bathe with the toaster.
Get yourself a man who talks constantly in his sleep. You don’t have to, but I did. Tonight he said “salad salad salad”, then he grabbed me, and continued to sleep.
I assume he meant I’m a delicious life-giving snack, but he may have been suggesting a diet.
5: Dad, can you get me pasta?
Me: Ah, we don’t have any.
5: That’s ok, you can make some, I don’t mind waiting.
[Sesame Street casting]
Director: We need role models for the kids
“There’s a grouch and a cookie addict”
Director: Anything else?
“Two jobless roommates”
Director: First of all I love it
They built a huge, ugly thought-control tower right next to my house but actually I love it so much
due to inflation 6 inches is now 9 inches
Apparently my kid got in trouble today for PACKING OUR TOASTER IN HIS BACKPACK and pulling it out at lunch to make pop tarts for his class. I can’t stop laughing.
Do not levitate over flowers
It’s amazing how water drops from my shower make little faces all around.
I see Mona Lisa on the wall,
A cute Pikachu on the glass,
And my neighbor’s face in the bathroom window.
I remember when I was 14 I really wanted a ZX Spectrum. I did odd jobs, and saved up my pocket money and paper-round wages until eventually I had enough money to pay my cousin Dawn to steal one from Dixon’s
I’m surprised carving faces into vegetables after pulling out their innards isn’t incorporated into more American Holidays.
I may or may not have just tried unlocking the wrong car for 15 minutes.
An apple a day keeps no one away unless you have meticulously good aim.
COP: Is this man bothering you, Sir?
ME: that’s my wife
Congratulations on being hired by Super Cuts & welcome to day 1 training.
Let’s get started
These are called scissors
*collective aww*
God: got bears?
Noah: Yup
God: got birds?
Noah: Ya
God: Unicorns?
Noah: Um… the bears ate them
God: WHAT
Noah: IT’S A LOGISTICAL NIGHTMARE
[sitting down next to a stranger at a minor league baseball game] that looks great. who’s your hot dog guy
My mother doesn’t believe in expiration dates, she’s on day 3 of believing in food poisoning.
Me: So then, He-Man & Skeletor come to terms with their feelings and make out.
Priest: Again, writing fan fiction isn’t necessarily a sin
I wish my car’s back-up camera had a “Save” button, because some of the expressions on their faces.
HIPSTER COP: *into radio* “We’ve got a 13-88 in progress…it’s a pretty rare crime, you probably wouldn’t know it”
Bought my daughter a scratch ticket this morning and in 5 minutes she’s asked 20 times to get another. Is there an age limit for gambler’s anonymous?
Stay vigilante (if you see something, stab something)
haven’t exploited a dead relative for attention yet but it’s on the table
friendly reminder that someone having a different opinion about a movie than you is a direct attack on you as a person and you should take it very personally