“THE YOGURT HAD MY GOD DAMN NAME ON IT, NANCY.”
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My welcome mat says, “Oh shit! Not you again!”
Getting a neck tattoo is probably the coolest way to show your love for manual labour.
Could you imagine being the Secret Service agent that blocked a bullet for Donald Trump, 20 years later? You wouldn’t tell anyone.
Them: who ya gonna call
Me: ghostbusters
Them: sweet, what’s the number
Me: they didn’t say
Son: what will happen when I die?
Me [lowers newspaper]: there’ll be a lot of left over sandwiches & then we’ll turn your room into a gym
M: I’m so glad school started!
12: Can you help me with my math?
M: OMG WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME?!
*boss trying to relate to younger employees*
“Excited for the weekend? I know I’ll be *looks down at Wikipedia print-out* Yoloing for sure!”
Who needs clocks when my dog’s digestive system can nail time with pinpoint accuracy
you just know somebody’s being called by their full name right now
making baked potatoes in the oven is fun because they’re either ready in 30 minutes or 147hrs
Dear Kelloggs,
Cereal that makes them go back to sleep.
Sincerely,
Tired parents
Do you like Taco Bell? Then you’ll LOVE real food!
can’t argue with a guy that has curly hair 🤦♂️ whatever u say gorgeous
If anyone on the street asks for directions – give directions to YOUR house. Then run home, put on music and wait for your new best friend!
How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it. I’m serious. That Israeli how he does it.
you know, nobody ever talks about Pennywise’s estranged brother Nickelstupid
Ghost of Caesar: and what of my legacy? what now bares my name? Buildings? Mountains?
Me:uhh remember how you used to love romaine lettuce?
My wife yelled out in the hallway, there’s a severe thunderstorm warning now …. I could barely hear her way back in this closet with my cat.
me: one big skeleton please
clerk: ma’am this is a McDonald’s
me: oh sorry. One big McSkeleton please
[taking out wet laundry]
me: finally everything’s clean!
that one wet sock: where’s the shittiest bit of floor I can land on?
Every morning I have to check my shoes for scorpions. We don’t have scorpions in Illinois people just hate me.
I don’t get vegetables on my pizza because I don’t like mixing business with pleasure
Is a person diagnosed with a Multiple Personality Disorder able to get a group rate from their therapist? Just asking for some friends.
If you pass the drug test at dominos they fire you
Boss: “Do you have a Twitter account?”
Me: “Umm… Yo no hablo inglès.”
Boss: “Tienes una cuenta de Twitter?”
Me: *fakes a seizure*
This guy at the gym just did 3 sets of selfies.
The 70’s were tough. My dad would kick my ass if I died from a peanut allergy.
The Lion King is probably my favorite children’s movie about running away from your problems until you’re strong enough to kill your uncle.
Good morning to everyone except the parent in my 6yo’s class who paid out ten dollars as the tooth fairy.
When did the tooth fairy stop leaving four shiny quarters per tooth? In the same glass the tooth was in? I’m not busting into my kid’s college fund to hire an event coordinator and pay an imaginary glitter witch to be invisible for five minutes.
*in a desperate attempt to impress my daughter with magic, i pull a fully cooked turkey with all the trimmings from behind her ear*
{nervously} is this your card?