GIRLFRIEND: *Crying* My dog died!
ME (who was only dating her because of her dog): So I have more bad news.
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God *up on a chair, shrieking*: GET IT GET IT GET IT
Mrs God: You know they’re more afraid of you than you are of them *gently sweeps man outside*
Sometimes, even I can’t tell if I’m being sarcastic or if I’m really just a bitch.
Batman: so I’ve been tracking the Joker’s movements all night and we need to-
Robin: you LIKE him!
Batman: omg shut up lol I do not
Them: You have a weird sense of style
Me: *takes off glasses* Rude
Them: But true
Me: *takes off second pair of glasses* Give me an example
My 6yr old has ruined my life by learning how to spell. I can’t talk about anything with her around anymore. I knew this whole school thing was a bad idea.
Put my fitted sheet and duvet cover in the washing machine for a death match to see which one swallows the other.
No honey, there isn’t a neighbor working with a nail gun this early. That was just my knees creaking when I got out of bed.
the area 51 thing but someone makes an event called “Don’t Go To Work, They Can’t Fire All of Us” and then we trick everyone into a general strike by calling it a “meme”
When I die I want my skeleton turned into a xylophone. Just like the good ol’ days.
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Aether is both a noun and a verb.
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ME (a man who was paid to write 3 reviews 20 years ago): Well, you know, speaking as a writer…
4yo: You have wrinkles.
My Friend: Those are pillow indentations.
Me: But you have them every day.
Friend: I sleep every night.
Lost my job naming hurricanes after 3 ex-girlfriends called & complained. In hindsight, including their last names may have been a bad idea.
Boss: We need you to go undercover
Me: No problem I’m great at keeping secrets like when I peed my pants on my first day here
Boss: Today’s your first day
nurse: how do u rate ur pain
me: it’s a thumbs down
nurse:
me: would not recommend
I don’t consider myself a controlling person.
Side note: Anyone else have a list of people your spouse can’t marry if you die?
Saw a man holding a newspaper and a blackberry so time travel is possible you guys!
Accidentally opened the Facebook app and now I’m in three pyramid schemes.
JUDGE: I find you guilty of murder. Sentenced to life.
LAWYER: But it was only 20 minutes of murder.
JUDGE: Oh, then you’re free to go.
Best friend, helping me dig a hole: so tell me again what happened?
Me: he came home to me sitting on the couch after I spent the entire day cleaning the house and said, ‘you’re just where I left you.’
*training the dog to sit*
Me: So you’re already low to the ground, but you must get lower.
If you die* in your dream, you die* in real life.
*pee
I’ve deleted enough tweets to know that I should never get a tattoo.
a Land Before Time reboot but it’s displaced polar bears on a journey to antarctica to eat an endless supply of penguins
Careful, friends. [bends down and examines a handprint in the sidewalk] There is a very powerful child nearby.
My kid wouldn’t eat it after he ordered it so I had to: A parents guide.
Hate when you’re walking behind someone & want to pass them & then they start the “drift” & you both crash into a shelf of glass figurines.
4yo: fold me like a towel
Me: what?
4yo: FOLD ME
Me: okaaay
4yo: stack me on top of the towels
Me: what?
4yo: STACK ME
Parenthood is wild
The correct amount of coffee is the amount where, if you perished, your heart would continue to beat for a good 2-3 days.
Parents. Top tip for getting to school on time. Go without them.