if i ever write “seemingly” in a discussion post or an essay you can bet i have absolutely NO IDEA what im talking about
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[wedding reception]
BEST MAN: *making a toast* please raise your glasses
CLARK KENT: oh no
I tried on and bought two pairs of jeans today without testing my phone in the back pocket. I don’t even know who I am anymore.
You don’t have to choose between being a fighter and a lover. If you say you have a bad back you can normally get out of doing both.
kids: *having a rough day*
air-conditioning: *broken*
me: *sweaty and irritated*
underwire bra: would be a shame if something were to suddenly…snap
We had a ninja competition tonight but we don’t know if anyone showed up.
RIDDLER: What has–
BATMAN: A gazebo
ROBIN: Matches
RIDDLER: Let me finish-
BM: A paperweight
R: Dental floss
RIDDLER: I hate you guys
Facial recognition software, but it just explains Where You Know That Person From
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again bc I have a terrible memory
Palaeontology teaches us dinosaurs were flat and lived underground
Me: I’ll have a Dr.Pepper.
Waiter: Is Mr.Pibb ok?
Me: Is he a doctor?
I thought I was a good person until my daughter asked me, “Would you step on a dog for 8 million dollars?”
I only eat wild caught salmon because I like to know the fishermen had a good time
interviewer: why do u want this job
me: i love health insurance
Lights that commit crimes are sent to prism
My dentist asked me if I had a problem with my gums bleeding. You’d have to be really laid back to not have a problem with that.
*stable*
Me: that one
Stable hand: ah careful ridin her, she used to belong to an old knight
M: ok
*Horse goes 2 steps forward & 1 left*
WTF
me: shoot for the moon
astronaut: houston please I need actual coordinates
Sure I get excited when he unzips his pants. I’m pretending it’s the sound of his body bag.
I’d love this…lol
Sorry I don’t remember your name, I was concentrating too hard on shaking hands, making eye contact and not mispronouncing my own.
love pickles so much i put myself in one
My wife punched me during sex last night. Probably a good idea that my mistress and I do it at her place next time.
Me: goodnight moon
Moon: It’s 6pm
Me: I know but I’m tired
Moon: I literally just got here
me: thanks for letting me work from home
boss: *turns off shower* I meant your home
4yo: Do you want to play pretend?
Me: I already am.
4yo: What pretend?
Me: Shh, you’re not here.
age 20: I was in a car accident, my ride is totaled. I won’t be into work until after lunch
age 40: I did something to my back brushing my teeth, I need to lie down for 3 weeks
Couldn’t remember my cute doctor’s name so I just called him
My Boyfriend hates it when we role play and I’m the Doctor cause I make him wait 3 hours bill him then send in a med student named Chad.
{watching a horror movie}
SAGE YOUR HOUSE, IDIOT!
Instead of “Who’s your daddy?” I accidentally said “How’s your daddy?” and we put our clothes back on and discussed her father’s cholesterol