During cavity search:
Whoa buddy! What part of “friend zone” don’t you understand?
You Might Also Like
Kids: Always remember to brush your drugs and don’t do teeth.
My old WiFi name used to be BoratVoiceMyWifi but I’ve since matured
Thank god madagascar 3 is coming out. Just didnt get the closure i needed with the first 2
I have a huge gash in my forehead. I’m going to assume I got up in the middle of the night, fought some crime, and went back to bed.
i hate when adults say “tummy.” im an adult. it’s my STOMACH that hurts. because yet again. I had too many sweets without mothers permission
“Sleep when you’re dead”… well this weekend consider me the dearly departed.
bae:come over
me:The Incredibles is on tv
bae:my parents aren’t home
me:it’s limited commercials
bae:i need u
me:he can’t find his supersuit
Itsy bitsy spider (drenched): sorry I’m late
Spider’s wife: what took so long?
Itsy bitsy spider: I got washed down the water spout
Spider’s wife: you won’t be climbing up that again
Itsy bitsy spider: yeah… for sure
Sometimes when I look into the sky I get overwhelmed with emotion and eat the nearest entire tree and everything living in that tree
I was fightin’ this daylight savings shit but this morning I planted twelve acres of soybeans and fed the cows. Didn’t even know I had cows but there they were.
Brain: Don’t make this weird
Heart: Puts an excessive amount of ketchup on my tacos
villain: heh… this attack will feel like the entire universe bearing down on you!
me: can’t really wrap my head around that. dumb it down please
villain:
villain: this attack will feel like a horse kicking you in the head twice
me: oh shit
Seeing a stuffed deer head on a wall makes me imagine its legs in the next room, just flailing around wildly.
CNN is confirming that the only news in the world today is the blizzard. everything else is under control.
What kind of doctor are you?
-Apathologist
A… pathologist?
-No, apathologist. People come to me when they need medical don’t care.
How dare the delivery guy ring my doorbell and disturb me with a package that I ordered.
Me if I was a dog
Made eye contact with a dude walking his dog while I was taking a sip of water from my bottle. The cap was still on. We both noticed.
Please respect my privacy during this difficult time.
Waitress: Can I take this out of the way for you?
Me: [glances at wife] uh…sure
Wife: SHE MEANS THE PLATE, IDIOT
“Microsoft Word? I haven’t heard that name in years…”
The inventor of cheese: This milk is nice but I wish I could bite it.
why do boys change into their football tops to just sit in front of the telly to watch the game ahahah a don’t stick a pair a fangs on when am watching the vampire diaries
Him: I just poured out 16.9 ounces for my homie.
Her: Just say you filled the dog’s water bowl.
What do you remember most from your first sex ed class? I remember Mrs. DeBlasio, the school secretary, telling us to never believe a guy who said he couldn’t wear condoms because they were too small and then she stretched one over her head like a ski mask as proof.
I like my women like I like my coffee. I look at coffee but I am afraid to talk to it
I still see some of my ex-girlfriends. Well, not so much see, more like…watch.
“we have guests, go get me the fancy snail teapot”
Remembering the time my science teacher couldn’t detect my heartbeat and got angry at me as though I was deliberately withholding my pulse to bolster my goth credentials.
When I’m at the mall, I carry a purse around so people think I have a girlfriend
a murder of crows, a troop of monkeys, a pod of dolphins, a herpe of Kardashians