You know how when everyone is clapping along to the song and you join in and it’s fun at first but after a while you’re like oh shit do I have to keep this up for the whole song? That’s what life is like.
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ugh he wants to go hiking as a first date, just like hitler
Thank god 4 the guy at the bar yelling “YOU GOTTA CATCH THAT!!!” when a receiver drops the ball. Had no idea he was supposed to catch it.
girls don’t even dress up for Halloween, they just put a black outfit and choose between devil horns or cat ears
Right now, someone likes something you don’t and other people are agreeing. You just gonna sit there and let that happen?
A bank safety deposit box may seem extreme, but you don’t understand how hard it is to hide a box of Girl Scout cookies from my family.
One time someone told me the camera adds 10 pounds and I was like why would anyone eat a camera you idiot?
Came home and my cat was on the porch cuddling with a baby skunk. When the skunk saw me he took off like I had caught him in bed with my girlfriend.
Big shout-out to the guy in Costco buying a lifetime supply of what he thinks are the right size diapers.
angel: why did you change the name to ’skunk’?
God: I thought ’stinky cat’ gave away the surprise
Not sure why people with shingles aren’t prescribed roofies.
And send.
You stop eating apples if your doctor is cute.
My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard.
People keep accusing me of using the wrong words in my sentences.
It’s like everyone in my life has turned into a grandma nazi.
What idiot called it “home for the holidays” and not “an aunt infestation”
“Dude, we should swap spacesuits. Just for a laugh.”
“Ha, yeah ok.”
[swaps suits]
“Now we sh-”
“You took a shit in this, didn’t you?”
Remember, it doesn’t have to be the “perfect” muder, just an unsolvable one.
~me as a motivational speaker
*gets stabbed and looted by mugger*
me: “oh yeah just leave like everyone else does”
I can’t stop fantasizing about gently, lovingly braiding a squid
*Ancient Egypt*
Me: My abacus won’t work
IT: Hit giant eye + guy holding snakes + big ass bird
Me: Nothing
IT: Okay, reset *shuffles abacus*
It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. Then I’m back.
Me, explaining a vacation to my cat.
Don’t ask me! I’m 48 and still refer to it as a Choo-Choo Train.
my friend thought his gf was cheating on him but it turned out she was going to a psychic to help her win the powerball and we both agree that’s way worse
I only shave half my face in case that I get arrested so that they will have two different side profile pictures.
If I could go back and do it all over again I’d be born into money
“Update Adobe or we’ll kill you”-flash mob
[at ultrasound]
Wife: omg so what is it?
Me: it’s a baby.
Wife: I know that.
Me: then why did you ask?
Wife:
Doctor: yes then why did you ask?
i’m boycotting girl scout cookies until they’re honest enough to list the serving size as “sleeve”
I’m available to be MC for your wedding. I have a joke about Canadian couples saying “sorry” a lot that I think will go over really well.
I tried giving a gentle reminder to my kids about cleaning their rooms, but a megaphone works much better.
When I eat a banana it’s not sexual. It’s in memory of my dead husband, who was killed in a terrible innuendo accident