Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.
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Back in my day we didn’t have excessive heat warnings. We just melted into puddles and reformed when it cooled down.
When I get sad, I just think about the vast Universe and the fact that I’m stuck on this rock with a bunch of idiots. Then I get sadder.
I don’t think my car can fly
Comedian: My teardrop tattoos are to indicate how many times I’ve killed on stage.
Guy: I don’t see any teardrop tattoos.
he’s sick of your bullshit today
In my 20’s: why is eating healthy such a big deal anyways.
In my 40’s: oh.
*ninja group therapy
Therapist: Nobody showed up *again*?!
Corgis are great when you want a wolf that’s a loaf of bread.
Fetch me my Twitter, Kenth. Time to see how many of my tweets went virus. Ah yes, here it is, none. That’ll be all Kenth. Same time tomorrow
Neighbor was pissed because Scrappy was barking this morning, I told him well you can’t get upset it’s what dogs do, especially after finding human bones in the yard.
My favorite part of Beethoven’s 5th symphony is the rap battle 18 minutes in.
Society has this weird perception that nurses are the most nurturing parents.
My kids: My arm hurts when I move it!!
Me: Then don’t do it.
Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection.
Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way.
Mechanic [looking the other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection.
”I wonder how long cake is good for before it goes stale?”
*I say to myself as I eat the last slice from a cake made earlier that day
Can’t afford rent so I started living in the moment.
[Christmas shopping]
me: I’m looking for a toy for my son
clerk: how old?
me: something new please
piss me off and I’ll put you on my kid’s school fundraiser mailing lists
Nephew: Hey, Uncle Jesus, can you buy me and my friends some beer?
Jesus: No, but I can get you wine. Let’s go over to the water cooler, shall we.
Do you people like your catfish battered and deep fried?
it’s so stupid how stores are already selling halloween candy, like anybody is actually going door-to-door this year,
..today i bought a 5lb bag.
Yet another unrealistic beauty standard smh
Is there a hand sanitizer out there that can kill the 0.01% germ?
CITY PLANNER: what should we call the paved path next to the street
CRAB: i have an idea
Him: What time are you picking up the kids?
Me: I’ll leave as soon as I rinse the blood off my car.
Him: What?
Me: What? *click*
C’mon Facebook, if I wanted her to know I’m thinking of her on her birthday I’d put the binoculars away, step out from this bush and just say ‘hi’ once she’s finished showering.
[inventor of the snooze button]
ok, these alarm clocks are pretty good, let’s add something to make them useless
My family doctor says “you really need to lose weight,” and my witch doctor says “moh ki kaa raa.” I think I’ll just moh ki kaa raa tbh.
My house isn’t messy, it’s whimsical.
Me: What do you think of your haircut?
Wife: I need more volume
Me: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT?
I think my cleaning people are stealing my paranoia medication.