Of course I consume a lot of carbs. I don’t want to get decarbohydrated.
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me: [on the phone] mom can you come pick me up
boss: hey we’re in a meeting
me: [avoiding eye contact] because they’re being mean to me
Nothing says warm summer days like choosing between drinking a bottle of ice-cold kombucha or ranch
ARE YOU A MAN OR A MOUSE?
“Haha a man obviously”
*Detective places cheese on table*
*suspect starts to sweat*
My 7y/o son walked in without eyebrows and I was just about to put him in timeout for shaving them off when I noticed tweezers in my dog’s crate and now I don’t know who to punish.
You know those people who get all excited and lovey with puppies at pet stores?
Same. But I’m in a liquor store.
I’ll take Dumb Ideas for $300, Alex.
Your Answer: sit on the ground and eat food while bugs crawl all over you
What is a picnic?
Correct!
Hi, I’m Geoff, and this is my wife Glorrhoea.
“Hi I’m here to interview for the branch manager position.”
“We’re only hiring tree trimmers.”
“That’s exactly what I just said.”
It’s Ash Wednesday so today I had fish for dinner.
OK, I had Goldfish for dinner. That still counts, right?
imagine being a rooster and just completely losing your shit over the sun rising.
Mobster: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Lobster: that’s not the threat you think it is, Tony
Every grocery store has a manager, a clerk, and a person standing in front of the spices learning how alphabetical order works for the very first time.
To level the playing field, online dating sites should require using the picture in your driver’s license.
My daughter has decided she now eats dark chocolate, the one treat I never had to hide because I was the only one in the house who liked it.
Nothing is sacred.
Absence makes the heart grow fonder, but my boss just gets mad when I don’t come to work 🙁
IRS: hey time to do taxes guess how much you owe
Me: i don’t want to guess can you just tell me
IRS: …
Me: hello?
IRS: i’m thinking of a number between one and jail
Haha my cousin’s safeword is “chalice.” (We don’t have sex; I saw it cuz I hacked his email to get his salmon casserole recipe)
Took my daughter and her best friend to dinner and a show with endless snacks and sodas but we didn’t get ice cream afterwards so naturally this night will forever be known as “that night you didn’t get us ice cream.”
I’ve written a book called, ‘How Not To Get Conned Out Of Your Money’.
It’s available in all good bookshops priced £149.99.
Hypnotist: Let’s go back to your childhood. Where are you now?
Me: I’m watching Golden Girls with my grandmother.
H: Which episode?
M: The one with the dance contest.
H *opening bag of chips*: Go on….
[following girl off elevator] you cant hate snakes and then say u love dragons, because theyre actually extremely similar. in a lot of mytho
My two-year-old just made up her own ukulele song. It seems to be called “Even if I was never born (I would still want a popsicle)”
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
You eventually reach the age when bar hopping turns into let’s stay here because it’s not that noisy and the bathroom is clean.
20s: Rage Against The Machine
30s: Rage Against Literally Everything
me: *slides $10 to barista* you know what to do
barista: [when my drink is ready] Brad Pitt!
me: oh no i’m not him lol. people confuse us all the time though.
My accountant just googled when tax day is in front of me.
I’m going to jail.
dvd? why are the Ds fighting??
Nothing is worse than having jock itch. ESPECIALLY within 100 ft of a school or playground.
I’m sorry your husband gets out his guitar when guests are over and keeps playing the first few chords of Wild Thing