If the prescription has anal leakage as a side effect, I’m not going to be playing nearly as much tennis as the guy in the ads
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14 put my contact in his phone as birth-giver, his dad as birth-giver assistant, and his sister as rival spawn
I don’t understand Christian heavy metal. Like why are they so angry for Jesus?
I’m at a second grade music recital and this is by far the most effective form of birth control I’ve ever tried.
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but I live in Canada. So, free health care.
Yachts are for rich people who always thought waterbeds were cool.
Parents these days take their kids to the E.R for scraped knees and paper cuts..
When I was 11 I died and my mom told me to walk it off
At the zoo, you have to drag me away from the otter pool. The promise of a soft pretzel usually does it.
I just broke two of my dad’s old Queen Records. Now I want to break three.
Me, after playing Hot Cross Buns on the recorder: Honestly I didn’t write that, it was a cover. I’m working on some originals though.
we can put a man on the moon but we can’t make shower caps sound less like world war 3 is happening on my head
Shouldn’t elevators have a different name for the trip back down?
an emergency cyanide capsule to bite when someone’s about to explain bitcoin
I think everyone would benefit if women had Oxford commas instead of periods.
Who has two thumbs and refused to read the instruction manual for his electric carving knife? Not my Uncle Joel, that’s for sure.
Friend: What do you like most about Adele?
Me: Have you seen her work/life balance? She works for 6 months then disappears for 5 years.
Today is the one day I don’t get weird looks from people for carrying around my pillow case full of chocolates.
Batman’s an example of a guy who took his parents double homicide and made lemonade
i find it kind of funny / i find it kind of sad / the dreams i have most often are weird picnics with my Dad
My OnlyFans would be me editing your papers before you submit them.
OnlyFANS = Only Flawless Apostrophes ‘N Spelling
Started watching LOST again w niece & neph, completely
forgetting I’m flying to Spain for a wedding.
PILLS ARE PACKED
FUTURE ME: i’ve come to stop you from wearing that heinous shirt
PRESENT ME: wait shouldn’t you be using time travel to kill hitler or something
FUTURE ME: it’s a really bad shirt jill
there’s no law that your resolutions need to be positive; you can resolve to become a lot worse
My husband gets so mad when I introduce him as my first husband.
6: Dad, why do you have so many nicknames for me?
*I break down, no longer able to cover up that I can’t remember my son’s name
Some people rescued a great white shark that washed up on a beach, just like sharks would do for us if we were carried out into the ocean.
[Checking in at Comic Con]
Attendant: How long did you spend on your cosplay?
Me: Seven months
A: *Hands me a badge marked “Casual”*
I don’t wish mean people any harm but maybe they would be happier if they moved to that nice farm my parents took my dog to when I was 5.
WIFE: Did you take care of that thing I asked you to do?
ME: No.
WIFE: I’ve asked you at least 10 times.
ME: I’ll get it done this afternoon.
WIFE: You better.
ME (terrified): [has no idea what she asked me to do.]
Salad is by far the lamest type of bar.