I like to dye my hair when I stay in hotel rooms to make the housekeepers believe I’m on the run.
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“Couples don’t have enough things to disagree about.”
– Guy about to invent crunchy peanut butter.
This morning when I woke my daughter for school she said I don’t like how you wake me with a soft voice so tomorrow I’m waking her with a kazoo.
My cousin just announced that he and his wife are pregnant with their second child.
I had a big announcement too, but I guess getting a 24-pack of hot dogs for $2 will just have to wait.
The ghost of the little girl who haunts my house was scary at first, but now she mainly just practises her french braids on us while we sleep. I don’t mind. I’m starting to get compliments from my coworkers. The dog has never looked more glam
“3 FOR 1 TACOS, TODAY ONLY” I shout into the megaphone. the crowd watches with bated breath.
“I’m coming down,” the man on the ledge shouts
By the nervous look on his face I thought my boyfriend had an engagement ring hidden in his hand but it was just a stranger’s bra.
Whew.
Woke up last night and the ghost of Gloria Gaynor was standing over my bed. At first I was afraid, i was petrified.
I’m sorry…what?
Them: “when are you back?” You: “next week.” (Week passes) You: “I’m back, let’s hang.” Them: “how long are you here?”
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
Phone: your storage is full.
“looks at my 8,726 identical photos of last 100 years”
Me: no, I need all of these
no, babe. i haven’t seen your glasses.
What if Adele was calling from inside the house?!
Baby ducks are “ducklings”, baby pigs are “piglets”, and baby humans are “annoying.”
Some days having kids makes it all worthwhile. I haven’t experienced any yet, but statistically they’re bound to happen at some point.
my sister: snowboards
my brother: skateboards
me: charcuterie boards
If you can say “I made six figures last year,” you either have a well paying job or you’re the worst employee at a toy factory.
Son: Can we go to the beach?
Me: *dumps a bucket of sand down his shorts* There you go, bud.
I like to hide vegetables in my kids’ smoothies, and tiger tranquilizers in mine.
JOB INTERVIEWER: It says here on your resume that you’re an overachiever
ME: Yes for example I’m having my mid-life crisis way ahead of middle-age
Coworker deserves an Oscar for how hard they pretended to work on this project. 😒
Hamburger Hinderer.
Me: Describe your love for me in one word.
Him: My what?
cant be in the office one more moment, I have a moral, legal and biological obligation to be in front of a roaring fire going honk-shooo honk-shoo mimimimi
Prayers for my children who very tragically found vegetables mixed in their mac and cheese.
Me: Children I may not have riches to pass onto you but I do have faulty genetics and a history of anxiety that is all yours.
Children: Wait what?
Me: What?
Has anyone else noticed when time travelers grab you buy your shoulders and ask what year it is and you tell them, they don’t reply, “then I’m not too late” anymore?
That’s kind of worrying.
The 9 levels of midwestern anger
9. “jesus, mary and, joseph”
8. “Woah woah woah”
7. “Hold your horses”
6. “Jeez Louise”
5. “For Heaven’s sake””
4. “If I had a nickel for every time”
3. “Well, now wait a minute”
2. “For Pete’s sake”
1. “Listen here pal”
My wife: *catches me in bed with a Transformer*
Me: Wait! It’s not what it looks like!