“Ah, OK. Yes. Now I see it.” -Me lying to someone who’s pointing out a constellation
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My Rice Krispies were speaking in tongues this morning, so I’m pretty sure the end days are near.
For some reason people who say “Fight me!” never expect that first punch.
Why didn’t they just call Thanksgiving ‘The Nightmare Before Christmas’?
There are 2 kinds of people in this world;
1. People who like math
A. People who hate math
3. People who really don’t understand math
13: Can I have the password for Amazon?
Me: Certainly, honey. Ready?
13: Yep
Me: I-N-Y-O-U-R-D-R-E-A-M-S
[Restaurant]
Date: I like guys who plan ahead
Me: Excuse me, waiter! *Leans in* Make sure my widow here is well looked after
Called in telepathically this morning, so they know I’m thinking of them.
Butterflies have 1,200 eyes. That means they spend 7 months taking out their contacts every night.
My doctor told me I’ve been using Q-tips incorrectly. At least I think that’s what she told me. I couldn’t really hear her that well.
My favorite fruit salad is sangria.
Why are sports teams named after animals? Why can’t it be the Atlanta Cherry Blossoms… or the Denver Lettuce Wraps.. ?
I just don’t get life insurance. Why would I want to give my family a financial incentive to kill me?
I have a tenuous grasp on the English language. Shakespeare? That dude’s grasp on the English language was, like… twelveuous.
Girl: I love Medieval Art
Boy: Who doesn’t? There he is now
Medieval Art: Good morrow! Pray tell- How fare thee on this day of providence?
We get it, cacti, you have great biceps.
[Google search history]
Moles
How to kill moles
How to make homemade bombs
Rescue moles from cave-in
Dealing with regret
Mole stew
I’m either going to get a tattoo today or do something real crazy like clean my closet.
It’s OK, The Phantom Menace. I also came out in 1999 and am a bit disappointing
Dear diary,
Third date this week that went bad. The tablecloth trick is getting better though. Will try again on my date tomorrow night.
The only thing I know about Downton Abbey is that everyone looks as if they smell like the bottom of my Nana’s purse.
A kleptomaniac in a bakery really takes the cake
Nothing stops me in my tracks faster than a five year old saying, “I got you a present!”
So when my coupled friends ask me how dating is going, is it appropriate for me to ask how their marriage/relationship is going or is that aggressive?
Me: *Spitting out teeth*
Her: Omg what happened?
Me: I ate too many of them
My favourite part of the Bible is when the little guy finally throws his ring into the volcano.
I’d like to meet those almond milk farmers. Shake their teeny hands.
Robber: *is literally robbing my house*
My dog: pls mister robber pet my belly pls
True?
can’t wait til they legalize outside
Them: dial 911!
Me: this thing can make calls?