Get a ring camera so you can yell at your kids when they’re out front and freak them out.
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HIM: promise you won’t tell anyone?
ME: yeah! [under my breath] except my best friend
HIM: what?
ME: nothing! [whispering] there is a hierarchy of loyalty and your position on that hierarchy is low
HIM: what did you say?
ME: that ur secret’s safe with me 🙂
Grilled cheese is named after its creator, Grilliam Cheeseford Jr.
Nice try, resealable potato chip bags.
I have no time for stupid people
But they sure do have time for me.
movie theater manager: im sorry no outside drinks
me: are you kidding me right now
my date: (the kool aid man) it’s fine we’ll just go somewhere else
My tinder profile says I’m looking for an
I just remembered that Sun Chips made a fully biodegradable bag and people were like “this sucks, it’s too loud” as if Sun Chips consumers need a tactical stealth corn snack. Like buddy you’re eating sour cream and onion chips not infiltrating Bin Laden’s compound.
COWBOY: This town ain’t big enough for the both of us.
CITY PLANNER: No this is just the mockup. The actual town will be much bigger.
The haters said I couldn’t do it. And the haters? They were right. They were correct. They even nailed the small details, frankly it’s amazing
[showing off the 13” dildo i found in the dumpster behind 7/11] he’s a rescue
[in bed]
ME: [turning off table lamp] I’ve finally finished my book
WIFE: What happened in the end?
ME: I saw his stripy shirt behind a tree
“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE?” – guy that just got a new kite for his birthday
OPTOMETRIST: Better or worse? Better or worse?
ME: You don’t *have* to talk during sex
My ideal woman:
– beautiful
– bold
– speaks French
– has an army
– is of arc
Can’t believe Sting isn’t the lead singer of the Scorpions
I hate when I can’t remember if my wife and I are in love or fighting. So, I’m like a minesweeper in the mornings.
[ going out ]
wife: you’re wearing that?
me: i guess not
At least I can garauntee that if I’m murdered nobody is going to pull that whole, ‘She lit up a room’ crap.
So, I’m officially off the market. Got a DM from a faceless Avi proposing marriage in broken English. We’re planning a June wedding!
hitman: [about to jump out of my closet]
me: [walks in wearing nothing but a cowboy hat] alexa play dancing queen
hitman:
I bet the best part of being in your 70s is you get to drive through buildings and people just say “oh he must’ve hit the gas instead of the brakes” and that’s it
How school works:
In class: 2+2=4
Homework: 2+4+2=8
Exam: John had 4 apples.He eats one and gives one to a friend. Calculate the Sun’s mass.
[Being murdered]
Me: You’re stabbing wrong
Murderer:
Me: Keep your wrist in a neutral posture, let the knife do the work
[Stabbing intensifies, but ergonomically]
Me: Netflix and chill?
Her: sure
Me: bring a pizza and an internet connection and a Netflix password
Her:
Me: and don’t forget the condoms!
Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.
when I have dinner with a vegetarian I order two steaks to use as a bun for my third steak
me: can we watch something besides basketball tonight
him: sure how about a movie
me: cool you pick
[halfway through Teen Wolf]
me: you tricked me
I thought my house was falling down but it’s just my 4 year old working on his drum solo with my pots and pans
I can usually tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs.