My band in the 80s was the Sex Poodles. We needed Snoop Dogg.
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MEDIC ALERT BRACELET:
Do not resuscitate. Erase the selfies on my phone or I will Amityville your house.
my love language is feeding you rotisserie chickens with my bare hands at 4am while you’re asleep.
I’m sorry we fought. I hate it when you’re wrong.
Thankfully I haven’t had to go out and panic buy any food as I’ve been saving some plums in my icebox for this very occasion.
“Age is just a number”
…so is your credit score, your weight, the balance in your bank account
Quick question guys. Why is my therapist putting on boxing gloves?
Me: my dad left to get cigarettes 20 years ago
My dad: [opening door] I was doing side quests
*first day of umpire school*
Teacher: You seem disappointed, is there something wrong?
Me: *wearing fake fangs* no no it’s fine
Heaven is like arriving at Disneyland. Hell is like still being at Disneyland three weeks later.
Is your refrigerator running?
Because I might vote for it.
[baby finally falls asleep]
ME: *tip toes to couch* I can finally relax
DOG: I’M GONNA BARK FOR NO REASON
Dogs are too pure for this world 🥺🥺
#goldenretriever #dogs
date: “your chances of dying are lower on a roller coaster than a horse”
me: “no way”
date: “true story”
me: “i’ve never even seen a horse on a roller coaster”
Did you breast feed him as a baby?
“Lady, I didn’t have breasts when I was a baby.”
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
COP: License and registration please
ME: Can’t sell ya those but I do have drugs
I’ve wrecked my car yet I still weigh the same. This crash diet is for the birds.
[Sexting]
HER: Tell me what you want
ME: A sequel to Ratatouille
HER: No! Tell me what you want in bed
ME: Oh! *gets in bed* a sequel to Ratatouille
Take it from me; I have reverse kleptomania.
Unlike the brain, the stomach alerts you when it’s empty.
Whoever designated mini cupcakes as “two-bite” has greatly underestimated my #cupcake eating abilities.
Cute girl online: I have no idea how you’re single!
Me: Yeah I don’t know. They’re crazy I guess.
*eats ravioli out of the can with my keys*
“Live each day like it’s your last”
Wow okay but that’s A LOT of flipping the bird at everyone
IMPROV COACH: you can’t just decide last minute to skip practice
ME: I really don’t know what you want from me
H: How’s your day?
M: Just about to wine down.
H: You mean wind?
M: nope
me: for the story to progress, I really need to kill off some of the characters in the book I’m writing
my editor: but…you’re writing an autobiography??
me: 😏😏😏
Sorry, package of toilet paper. I’m only making one trip from the car with these grocery bags, so you’re sleeping in the car tonight.
I’ll be throwing shade, after a quick search of Urban Dictionary.
suddenly remembered when I explained updog to my father and he didn’t even blink, just said “oh, we had something like that when I was a kid, a henway”
“what’s a henway?”
“about five pounds”
No one :
Me when I swimming :