Yes, autocorrect. That’s right. I wash clothes in my washington machine.
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Who called it a licence to own small amphibians and not Permit the Frog.
They say milk is good for your teeth..you know what else is good for your teeth..minding your own damn buisness
my favorite part of nascar is when I vomit all over my shirt and car after the race., desecrating the logos of the brands that enslave me
I just come here for the free life advice and inspirational quotes from people who’s lives are complete train wrecks.
I love eating my wife’s snacks because she seals them well and they stay crisp but if I eat more later, they’re no longer crisp because I didn’t seal them. So you see my dilemma.
I want a 21 cinnamon bun salute at my funeral.
When I tell prospective employers that I’m open to new challenges what I mean is I will immediately find ways to hide in plain sight, arrive late and leave early.
Who did this…? 💫⚡️
I just won $8 on a scratch ticket. Lock up your girlfriends, I got that double cheeseburger money
Please send yard fairy. Or a genie. Or your firstborn. Anyone that will cut grass will do
I attended a beautiful wedding today for my 8yo’s toy lizard. If Ronald and Liz can find each other, there’s hope for us all.
I’ve spent 8 hours cleaning my house!! Keep in mind that this is over a period of 25 years, but still.
Of course skinny jeans are canceled, after a year of quarantine no one fits in them anymore
I don’t understand why people get embarrassed buying condoms. It’s much more awkward trying to return them. “Uhm… she didn’t like me.”
[last supper]
Judas: Here, I brought this
Jesus: A bottle of wine? Srsly? I need that like I need a hole in my hand
Judas: *winks at camera*
This is always good for a laugh.
Blackberry users thought of making a joke abt the Apple-Samsung battle, but before they cud tweet thr phone hanged n battery drained out
I didn’t realize how much I loved Ben Franklin until my son said “all he did was invent electricity concepts with that kite and key” – I said HE INVENTED SO MUCH MORE, YOU TAKE THAT BACK
can’t talk rn I’m busy cyberbullying people who paint over solid wood antique furniture
You don’t have to buy high thread count sheets. Just buy cheap sheets and use them for 20 years. Like butter, I tell you.
Me: My body is a temple
Personal Trainer: But what about all the food and wine and parties?
Me: It’s a temple to Dionysus
Does Target have crack floating through their air vents? Went in to buy milk, came out with a giraffe, 6-pack, someone’s kid, and a headache
ME: I’m giving you to the count of three
SON: does he have a castle?
‘Noah’ plot hole: THE FOOD CHAIN.
My buddy’s wife put him on a strict diet, so now I earn money by selling him Reese’s through the back door.
I can’t believe there was a time in my life when someone had to make me take a nap.
My mother’s maiden name is Password.
I thought she was the one. Then she put her entire email message in the subject line.
date: what do you do?
me: i’m a filmmaker.
date: oh what’s that like?
me: [shrugs] i inhale a lot of plastic fumes.
Critics are raving about Mud. “It’s like dirt but wet” says one. “Oh god it’s in my eyes” says another