It’s okay, bra. I’m ready to snap any minute now too
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Yes the weather in Iowa is bad, but the options are worse
Quick, while the British people are sleeping:
Raise your hand if you make tea by microwaving hot water
Godzilla vs. A Floor Scattered With Legos
future historians will point to this and ask how we didn’t see the third world war coming
Having this propane tank bounce around my floorboard is one way to work up a sweat on a chilly morning
I stopped carrying a grudge
Weigh me now
Earth: Sorry, but I love the sun now, and nothing’s going to come between us.
Moon: *throws shade*
Today while in the bookshop I said to the lady behind the counter, “I’m looking for a book by Shakespeare”
She asked “Which one?”
Me: “William”
Doctor told me I need glasses. So I’m having several tonite.
someone ate my burrito from the office fridge. i will level this building.
FRIEND: Pretend like you’re not too interested
ME: Ok
[later]
DATE: My grandmother recently passed away
ME: Who cares
Me: You have to do your homework.
My kid: OOOHHH! So you’re saying that if I fell into the ocean and a SHARK bit off my LEGS and my BLOOD was shooting EVERYWHERE so I DIED you would STILL make me do my STUPID homework while I was DEAD?
Me: Obviously yes.
“Did you get that thing done I asked you for?”
Me: oh shit there’s my ex girlfriend will you hold my hand so she gets jealous
Dad: sure kiddo
My son saw his medicine said shake well before using so he shook his whole body and damn that apple never even fell from the tree.
9:30am meeting for my new job tomorrow and I really can’t believe people start work at the break of dawn like this.
grandma: more potatoes?
me: sure
*3 hours later*
grandma: *wiping sweat from her brow* more potatoes?
me: *locking eyes* sure
whenever a study shows excessive screen time causes brain damage i’m like yeah. me know.
Anyone who has to spend more than 2 mins at an ATM is obvilously sending a text to Optimus Prime
me: most people don’t use their middle names
machine kelly: it just feels dumb this way
The guy who spelled pneumonia pknew pnothing
Scene in Dirty Dancing where Patrick Swayze lifts her in the air, only I drop you because there is a line beginning to form at the buffet.
I always take my kids on vacation during drug awareness week…because there’s just some things they should learn from their dad.
ME: (right before I go under anesthesia)
SURGEON: How much you want to bet this guy is full of candy?
DAD: Sorry it’s not a pony, honey. Best I could do
LITTLE GIRL: [riding gigantic earthworm] This is Princess Doomtube. She shall be feared
ME: *gets down on one knee*
HER: omg
ME: *gets down on both knees* whoa these muscle relaxers are awesome
me: so you’re representing that murderer who pushed those people off the cliff huh.
lawyer: i think you mean alleged.
me: it’s the same thing and don’t call me ed.
Funerals have gotten so expensive: at mom’s, after paying for the bouncy house, clowns & pony rides, we couldn’t afford a decent magic show.
ME: I need to pee really bad
TEACHER: can you hold it?
ME: probably not. my hands aren’t very good at retaining liquid
-I heard this dog was chipped.
-Microchipped sir.
-I don’t care how small the chip is, I’m not paying full price.