My neighbor just snapped his fingers at me to get my attention.
In related news, hiding a dead body is not as easy as you think.
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Face ID always wanting me to suppress my emotions this is a toxic relationship
Pigeons imply the existence of pigcenturies and pigmillennia.
Whenever I see a white van in the Taco Bell drive-thru, I instantly get jealous of the kidnapees in the back.
There’s no “I” in meat, but there’s “me” and “eat”, and I don’t know how vegans can argue with that logic.
Ah yes. The three genders
[texting]
HotGirl: Help me ace the Periodic Table test tomorrow?
Nerd: Selenium Neodymium Neon Tungsten Darmstadtium
HG: ?
N: SeNd NeWDs
dvd? why are the Ds fighting??
Website: You can’t use your last 5 passwords
Me: Stop flexing that you have a better memory than I have.
Rather than changing the clock on your oven simply cook your food an hour ago.
*spins in circles*
*dies*
*gets stuck in corner*
*dies*
*spins in circle*
*dies*
[Me playing Call of Duty with my son]
I was just in line at the store and standing awkwardly and tried to put my hands in my pockets but my jeans don’t have pockets and THIS IS WHY WOMEN ARE ALWAYS ANGRY
Perfume is designed to be an invisible accessory.
It’s not designed to instantly kill the canary when you entered the room.
I hate when friends send me home with leftovers in plastic containers. “Here, you throw this food away and then clean the containers.”
hello. i am the “friend” everyone has been asking questions for online. it has been a very rough three years but im starting to feel better. thanks for all your advice.
Sesame Street: this is an educational show
Me: oh yeah? what type of bird is that
Sesame Street: *flustered* a big one
every other girl looks super cute in her leggings & boots & sweater and here i just look like your jazzercising aunt in her stirrup pants from 1991
I’ve achieved absentee parent status by leaving my dog alone for 27 minutes
Me: they’re coming!
911: can you hide?
Me: they’ll find me!!
911: stay calm
Me: the door is opening…help!
“Mooom! We want a snack!!”
Prop Manager *checks gun*
“There are real bullets in here.”Rookie prop assistant: “Yeah we are out of fake blood.”
An Apple a day may keep the Doctor away!!!… But an Onion a day keeps Everybody away!!!
A couch nap with a little kid on your stomach is the best sleep you can ever have. It’s like a weighted blanket whose college you gotta pay for.
interviewer: can you type fast?
me: yes, that and SEVERAL other words
[debate, 2020 election]
Moderator: President Trump said you will ‘hurt badly the growth’ – how do you respond?
Oprah: So perhaps everyone in American right now could…take a look under their seats
Me, at home, finding a toaster oven: holy shit
On the 5th day, god was hungover & didn’t feel up to much so he created worms, shoelaces & spaghetti, then punched out just after 1pm.
Toddler, sleepily: “A lot of people live in our house.”
Me: “Momma, Matty, and me. That’s all.”
Toddler, pointing behind me: “And them too.”
I turn to see an empty hallway. I’m 99% certain it was an empty hallway.
If only the workout your thumbs get from scrolling on your phone would go to your abs.
coworker: what do u think happens after we die
me: when I die, nothing
coworker: what about when I die
me: I get arrested
OMG, shoot him with a crossbow one time and he never shuts up about it.
It wasn’t even fatal.
I try not to snack at night, but the cheese in my fridge haunts me. What if I die in my sleep and NO ONE EATS IT?
JOKER: Why so serious
ME: Have you seen the news?
JOKER: Ok fair