Me: You must train hard to beat Kylo Ren.
Rey: I already beat him once with literally no training.
Me:
Rey: Look. I still have two hands.
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New York could be completely and permanently under water and people would still be like “$3500 for a one bedroom seems fair.”
I’m the Cinderella of finding one shoe at a sale and not finding the other and losing my own along the way.
Him: Is that a horse drawn carriage?
Her: I can’t quite tell
Horse: *sobbing* Well you try holding a pencil with your hooves
Can’t
I’m serenading the neighbors with my harmonica at 2am
me: I saw you kissing santa claus last night
mom: that was actually your father
me: *tearing up* omg does dad know
Back to Future II is so unrealistic not a single person takes a selfie or gets bullied on the internet
This day in history. 2004. Ken announced that he had broken things off with Barbie but not to avoid another outrageously extravagant Valentine’s Day no not at all.
Instruments were designed to be actually played, not “air played,” Kirk.
If you need me, I’ll be right here for the next 35 years while my 4yo picks out a bedtime story to read
My rapper alter ego is “lil green onion” because I’m a rapscallion
My 5-year-old just asked if we could have Hotdog Bell for dinner.
There is no Hotdog Bell here.
I’m not sure if there’s a Hotdog Bell at all.
coworker: hey circling back on that thing we talked about in december
me: stop living in the past
Decolonizing something is when you remove perfume from it
Dr: How may I help?
Me: Wife says I’m overweight
D: Yes, I see you’ve a very healthy appetite. OK, let’s talk gastric bands
[later]
Wife: How’d it go?
M: Good! He said I was very healthy, then just wanted to chat about music
ISAAC NEWTON: i have just discovered gravity
EVERYONE ELSE: hey how come i can’t float around anymore
The TV show Reacher answers the age-old question: what if there was a really big guy
date: what’s your dream job?
me: designing food stats for RPGs
date: umm ok… *sips water*
me: [under breath] -2 thirst
I helped a little old lady at the market today.. She was too short to grab a box of cereal from the top shelf, so I stood on her shoulders!
The most inquisitive of all the dinosaurs was the philosoraptor.
if somone acidentaly walks in while ur in the bathroom, do not react at all. this avoids embarasment & makes them wonder if they are a ghost
On the next “Unsolved Mysteries” my wife and I investigate how there aren’t enough hangers for the clothes we washed when they were on hangers before we wore them.
Bird of peace?
The doveBird of war?
The hawkBird of true love?
..wait for it…
….
The swallow
*walks offstage
Crazy that in 2017 auto-flush toilets still can’t distinguish between someone who’s peeing and someone crouching down to get a sip of water.
Do celebrities feel complimented when they’re called underrated? Like, you’re really good, just not enough people think so
[At McDonald’s]
Me: Is the ice cream machine working?
Employee: Yes.
Me: Great! I’ll have a…
Employee: APRIL FOOLS!!!!!
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Is a personal shopper someone who just goes on Amazon for you now?
Dyslexics are teople poo!
I’m going to buy a bathroom scale and eyeglasses. after that? I dunno. weight and see I guess 🤷♀️
How to care for cast iron properly:
1. You’re an adult do whatever you want. Don’t let strangers on the internet tell you what to do it’s a frying pan not a Rembrandt!
2. Don’t you dare put it in the dishwasher.
When I get new followers I lean in close and whisper to their avi:
“You’ve chosen wisely, Grasshopper.”