What if Billie Eilish’s Bad Guy was by Meghan Trainor?
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Some day, you too, will meet someone you want to spend the rest of your days without
Parents please check your children’s Halloween candy this year, I just found a Godzilla in a candy bar and this is just so dangerous.
If you dont sin, Jesus died for nothing!
all that yoga finally paid off
Me: They were out of tampons, so I got you a box of bandaids instead.
Her:
ME: do you like it better when I part it down the middle or when I tease it out with styling mousse
HER: how about we just shave your back instead
[hotel fire alarm]
M: *in pjs* How did people get dressed and outside so quickly?
H: It’s 10am, they were already dressed.
M: impressive
[airport]
GF: I guess this is goodbye
ME: I told you, I’m not very good at goodbyes
GF: [crying] Goodbye
ME: [trying real hard] Hello
[God creating bees]
GOD: make some of them fuzzy
ANGEL: thats good
G: make them sting
A: okay
G: and let’s give them teeth!
A: too far
I took a BEFORE picture of my living room, and then I set a timer for 30 minutes. The AFTER picture looked the same?? 🤔
[slice of bread going in and out of the toaster] omg, i’m gonna crumb!
Something our American friends may not know about us Canadians: all 38 million of us know each other
“ok start it up”
tktktk-puh-buurup-chk-a-chk
“give it some gas”
ss-ss-icka-icka-grrawh-pshhhh
any ideas?
“I can’t hear over you beatboxing”
Your third emoji is.. Just kidding. I’m an adult.
When I say “I’m open to feedback” I mean “I accept compliments.”
It finally happened.
After living here 11 years, my neighbors finally caught me outside and introduced themselves.
*glances up from GameBoy*
SO ANYWAYS THIS IS THE FIRST DATE I’VE BEEN ON IN A WHILE, HOW ‘BOUT YOU?
when you tell me to do something I was already about to do
Watermelon: because I like to chew flavored water.
[on a first date]
Ok, don’t let her know you’re really a squirrel…
Her: I had a great time, good night!
Me: *runs in front of her car
It’s always humbling when the dinner I had delivered comes with 2 sets of cutlery
“Let’s see what the internet says, shall we?”
-my kids, fact checking me
Sea Turtle: humans keep trying to touch me while I’m swimming.
God: it could be worse.
Sea Turtle: how?
God: tell him crab.
Crab: my legs are delicious.
God: [nods] his legs are delicious.
date: what do you do?
me: i’m a filmmaker.
date: oh what’s that like?
me: [shrugs] i inhale a lot of plastic fumes.
I’m playing hide and seek with my 6yo. I’m underneath a pile of laundry, and she just walked right by me. This is exhilarating. It feels like that scene in Jurassic Park when the kids are hiding from the raptors.
What’s sadder, the end of “Titanic” or my son’s face when I ask him to explain Bitcoin again?
the person who wrote the program that estimates how much time is left on a software update did not take their job seriously at all
Unicorn: why can’t you create me again?
God: no one is going to believe a horse has a horn it’s too ridiculous.
Unicorn: I guess you’re right.
[Narwhal swims by]
Unicorn: w-was that a whale with a horn?
God:
Unicorn:
God: technically that’s a tooth.
Does this thing get good gas mileage?
-my husband being kidnapped