There’s no point using Latin phrases if you don’t understand what they mean, and vice versa.
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Toy Story is totally unrealistic! I’ve never once won a prize at that stupid claw game.
While humans carry out social distancing, a group of 14 elephants broke into a village in Yunan province, looking for corn and other food. They ended up drinking 30kg of corn wine and got so drunk that they fell asleep in a nearby tea garden. 😂
Did 300 squats yesterday. Walking funny today. Embarrassed about being out of shape so I’m telling everyone that I had buttsex last night.
“Size DOES matter”, I whisper to my double stuffed Oreos.
#TwitterWouldBeBetterWithout my mother-in-law..here’s actual footage of me finding out she’s found my account..
If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader
You can’t force me to watch your ads. YouTube. I will look away and plug my ears
Interviewer:
“This is a very impressive résumé.”Me:
“This is a creative writing job I’m applying for, no?”
[magicians backstage] don’t panic guys but I think we really just sawed that woman in half
Financial Advisor: You should think about diversifying your assets.
Me: You mean like buying shorts that aren’t cargo?
me: *kills two birds with one stone*
date: MY COCKATOOS
I like my women like I like my glasses: thick, transparent, and uneven
[GOD INVENTING THE ELEPHANT]
Give that cow a vacuum.
Just noticed there’s no comma in “Bed Bath & Beyond” and honestly, a bed bath would solve a lot of my problems.
Adult me is pretty pissed that you can’t learn to dance perfectly in the span of an 80’s montage.
HER: hey, do u come here often?
ME: all the time
HER: do u know if the bartender is single?
Women who say getting married was the best day of their life have obviously never had 2 Kitkats fall out of a vending machine by mistake.
me working on my assignments ^-^
Me at home: Why isn’t there more kindness in the world?
Me while driving: I hate every single person on this planet.
My sex life has improved so much I’m thinking of asking someone else to join me…
I sharpened all my kitchen knives today. Now I can’t help but slice everything as if I’m in an infomercial.
Wife: can you pick up milk?
Me, flexing: what do you think?
Wife: just get a small carton
Wondering if Cap’n Crunch ever made Admiral. Or did he get stuck in a perpetual loop of sugary bureaucracy?
Him: I just got stung. I’m allergic. Grab me my EpiPen.
Me: Do you know how much those cost? Have a Benadryl.
The only thing worse than finding a hair in your food is realizing that the person who prepared it has a bald head.
It’s a plant shaped like an egg.
EGGPLANT!
It’s a place where we make fire.
FIREPLACE!
Diving in the sky.
SKYDIVING!Humans are creative.
My neighbor won’t understand why I hide in my car until she has kids.
No matter how bad a day I’m having at work at least there’s no point during which I have to run 1 mile for a grade right after eating then change back into my clothes and resume work.
Dad: You spent $750 for a college class on human anatomy? Do you think we’re MADE OF MONEY??
Me: Not anymore
Why Are My Nails Dirty When I Live Inside and Watch TV?
-a memoir