It takes me about 15 hours to fully wake up in the morning
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Plans < cancelled plan < no plans < no plans, but knowing people totally want to hang out with you
I got some aluminum free deodorant and baybeeee lemme tell you… I NEED all the aluminum
Chase scenes in movies will be extremely quiet, once electric cars become mainstream.
There’s no way you can prove to me that pterodactyls didn’t pronounce the p
I’m rubber. You’re glue. He’s glitter. She’s decoupage. Welcome to our crafting gang.
Therapist: How do you two keep the romance alive?
Me: I left him a message in red lipstick on the bathroom mirror last night.
Husband: It said REDRUM.
Wife: Valentine’s day is right around the corner.
Me: No worries, so is Wal-Mart.
*turns Foo Fighters up on the radio*
ME: hell yeah
13: hell yeah, the classics
*clicks the radio OFF*
ME: you’re grounded
“Great choice. California is known for its chickens.”
– me, trying to impress a date who ordered the California Chicken Salad
I am a full grown adult. Now listen to me discuss the various plot holes in Paw Patrol.
[my husband who is a bodybuilder divorcing me]
Me: *explaining to lawyer* I misunderstood cheat day.
JUMP
ING
UP
AND
DOWN
ON
THE
TRAMP
O
LINE
OUT
SIDE
YOUR
WIN
DOW
IS
NOT
HOW
I
WANT
ED
TO
BREAK
UP
WITH
YOU
KAR
EN
“Don’t take this wrong but…”
Me: Ima stop you right there. I hate you just the right amount.
Please don’t ruin it.
‘Pampers’ is a good product name because it implies being able to poop in your disposable underwear is a great luxury
[first day working at Viagra]
BOSS: We need a new slogan.
ME: *sweating* This is really hard.
BOSS: You’re a goddamn genius, Johnson.
Look, at the beginning of vacation you wear a cute form-fitting dress. The end of the trip you wear a tarp from Home Depot. Please don’t make me explain.
I’m in that fun part of a relationship where everything is new and exciting and we are learning things about each other and I don’t poop.
Things true crime has ruined for me: hiking, jogging, dating, marriage, lighting up a room.
*showing my kids bobsledding clips*
My 5yo: *matter of factly* They should all be screaming.
I didn’t know any of my neighbor’s names before getting a dog but now I know their names are Kylo’s mom, Phoebe’s dad, Max’s mom and Bo’s parents
Her: Why did you text me “High Fructose Corn Syrup?”
Me: I think you’re sweet…
Her: …Awwww…
Me: …and will eventually kill me.
What do you want to be when you grow up?
other kids: firefighter, doctor, scientist…
my 9yo: I’m gonna sell my Pokémon cards on the streets of New York.
got kicked out of the library this morning for starting a mosh pit
[pretend restaurant]
4-year-old: what do you want ?
me: pizza
4: we don’t have pizza
me: what do you have?
4: nothing
me: I’ll have nothing
4: we don’t have that
me: *throws table* this is bullshit!
One of the scariest things is when you say something that forces your wife to take off her glasses before she responds.
time traveler: i love your volcano
pompeiian: our what?
time traveler: your mountain, your normal mountain
Her: I ran across a YouTube video called “Why You Will Marry the Wrong Person.”
Me: Did you watch it?
Her: No, it was 22 minutes long. I figure I’ll just take my chances.
Boy becomes Jedi, gets married, turns evil, has twins, becomes Darth Vader, complicated crap, ewoks. Boom, STAR WARS. You’re welcome, girls.
there’s no rule that says you have to share your birthday cake, you can just blow out the candles and take that shit home with u
Leonardo Dicaprio is like driving in a school zone. You don’t go above twenty-five.