Finally, a cream that replaces me with another person
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The human body can survive three weeks without food, three days without water but only three hours without wifi.
[peeing behind a tree]
bonsai artist: I have restrooms
Judging by this sunburn, I’d say the sunscreen I lathered on earlier was SPF goddamn liar.
I’m convinced a lot of people here are communicating from prison.
Do you ever feel like you’re a white shirt and life is a leaky burrito?
[things I worry about on vacation]
1) Getting eaten by a shark
2) Worrying that I didn’t get eaten by a shark because it assumed I tasted funny
Me *laying on my couch, flipping through health magazines*, “bet these workouts are a piece of cake.”
If I get to Heaven the first thing I’m going to ask God is if I should have tipped on carryout orders or not
I don’t think this app is working properly, I’m like barely getting any matches.
I just had a near sex experience.
My wife flashed before my eyes.
And by noon on the 7th day, God said these kids need some iPads.
Me: Hey Google Home.
GH: You can call me Google.
Me: *batting my lashes* My, you certainly do move fast.
*Tucks shirt in*
“Goodnight, shirt.”
You’re telling me this man will loan me a shark?
God: you’re an amphibian.
Frog: what does that mean?
God: it means you can breathe on land and in the water.
Frog: omg you mean I’m a mermaid?
God: no that’s not what I-
Frog: [whispers] I’m the littlest mermaid.
Obama’s gonna take all your decorative soaps.
put ‘er there pardner!
Golf Tip: Be sure and yell “FORE” before throwing your golf club at a jogger.
A lady at WartMart said I smelled fruity and asked what fragrance I was wearing. I didn’t have the heart to tell her I missed my mouth with a slushie so I pointed to a random body spray
i got pulled over & my vape was in my cup holder & the cop was like “u know the news saying those things are killing people”
i laughed a lil bit & said “they say the same thing about yall lol”
he ain’t laugh
If I say “last Star Wars” and u say “Actually you mean 3rd Star Wars! It’s a prequel!” I’m going to hit u with a fish tank.
“She sends things to strangers on the internet and no one even cares but she keeps doing it” – my dad, explaining me on twitter to my aunt.
Weird how tea bags come with that little fuse sticking out of them—I’ve lit hundreds of them over the years but only a handful have ever exploded
[me reaching to adjust my Nest thermostat]
Thermostat: Just what do you think you are you doing Dave?
**marked safe from the loose thread I thought was a spider**
I become instantly beautiful when I put on my sunglasses.
-Every girl, ever.
ME: revise my plea? Why?
JUDGE: read it back
RECORDER: defendant said “cauliflower is just white broccoli”
ME: *lips on mic* I stand by that
*as girl walks in*
98, 99, *grunts* 100
“Wow, push-ups?”
Uhm, no? Just learning to count.
The guy at work who giggles every time the clock hits 4:20 can’t figure out why he keeps getting “randomly” drug tested.
Everybody complaining about how old Biden is, but not ONE person suggesting a viable plan to make him younger. Smh