God: How’s it going on Earth
Angel: They made a mayonnaise flavored ice cream
God: Send a flood. Send several floods
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Sometimes the last thing people hear before they’re murdered is the sound of their pen that they won’t stop clicking.
I won’t believe we’ve evolved as humans until no one ever bites the inside of their cheeks again.
“How much plagiarizing gets you arrested?” And other delightful ways my 12yo says goodnight.
me and my boys moving from one free sample station to another at costco
American Horror Story:
Walmart Bathroom
At the pub, it’s my job to inform people of the roots of words. I’m the designated deriver.
You can blame those “meddling kids” all you want. But let’s face it. Your entire plan was to dress up like a ghost.
Very sad to hear about Nigel Farage. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just sad to hear about him.
My daughter (6) has started writing negative reviews of my parenting. It’s been great for her handwriting.
A lot of people are mad that I broke into the zoo and dyed all the bears white. It’s polarizing.
Ladies, if a guy tells you “Leggings aren’t pants,” tell him “You’re welcome.”
[gently waking my mom] I cut my hair like He-Man’s
cat faces on other animals, a thread
I think there should be a mandatory test at 16 that you have to pass and if not, you get neutered or spayed.
BATMAN: I have invested billions in the most state of the art technology to combat crime in this city
GOTHAM: Great! How can we reach you?
BATMAN: Pray for clouds and point this lamp at the sky while I’m beneath the earth in a cave please
I tattooed the word “WINNER” on my forehead in case I meet anyone new and they have any doubts
if your body is a temple then mine is a haunted house on Scooby Doo
If you told Alexander Hamilton that the online lottery to see his rap musical was unavailable due to server overload, he’d be like, “WITCH!”
Fact: in the wild, gorillas can go hours without checking their phones for notifications.
So much gross product placement in THE SHINING. It’s like, fine, I’ll buy an axe.
[watching TV]
GF: Tickle my back please
ME: Is that nice?
GF: Little bit higher
ME: [very slightly squeaky voice] Is that nice?
[ant colony]
husband: I am beat
wife: you’re the one who wanted to be in construction. I should’ve married a doctor
husband: yeah but *flexing* can a doctor lift 5,000 times his body weight?
wife: WE ALL CAN, GARY
Him: How close is the storm?
Me: Let me check
*laptop blows away*
Pretty close.
As an incredibly powerful, mostly evil, very attractive supernatural being, I have one weakness:
A female protagonist who has just turned sixteen and thinks there’s nothing special about her at all.
People say I’m self-centered, but the important thing is that they’re talking about me
Relationship status~ Siri saw my browser history & now she isn’t talking to me either
stan is such a liar – at first he’s like “i’m your biggest fan” but THEN he says his little brother matthew likes eminem even more than him
When the skirt was invented women only had one leg
ME [first time on-air as a weather man]: don’t go outside unless you want your hair to look like you just shot off the fence at Jurassic Park
Scientists: we want to put a chip inside your brain.
Me: [thinking about Doritos™] I’m one step ahead of you.