Just realized telling moms we have a lice scare gets me out of everything and I wish I’d thought of this earlier in my parenting journey.
You Might Also Like
boss: you’re working very efficiently
me: oh thanks
boss: so I’m giving you more work
me: wait no you’ve misunderstood why I was being efficient
Donating blood gets complicated when it’s not yours. So many questions.
[while titanic is sinking]
me: [mouth full of shrimp at the buffet] I can’t believe no one is eating these lol
starbucks: we’ve banned plastic straws!
me: oh hell yes
starbucks: yeah we’ve got these cool new lids instead
me: what are they made of
starbucks: plastic
me:
starbucks:
me:
starbucks: wait shit
Some cardinals and some ordinals walked into a bar, but the ordinals walked in first.
“No thanks, I filled up on breadsticks.” – Eve to the Serpent in the Olive Garden of Eden
I just don’t get life insurance. Why would I want to give my family a financial incentive to kill me?
Mary and Joseph chose to have Jesus in a barn rather than spend Christmas with their families.
8-year-old: *puts on new shoes* I’m faster now because they’re red.
Me: Your old shoes were red, too.
8: These are redder.
I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
nothing is certain but death, taxes, and that if anyone criticizes a billionaire online, a bunch of weird little freaks will emerge from the sewer and jump to his defense for some reason
“evreytime god closes a door, he opens a window” – me, tryimg to convince my clients their house isnt haunted
There’s Angie, and then there’s Drunk Angie, and one of us tried to make it to Mexico on an exercise bike.
I always hold the door for ladies, but they never seem to get in the car when I do that.
My Face ID only recognizes me if I’m chewing now.
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: yes
Netflix: lmao it’s cancelled
First rule of having a pet is to say everything twice. The second time in a sillier voice than the first.
If your coffee shop has a passive aggressive “no wifi pretend it’s the old days” sign I’m gonna smoke in there & pay 50 cents for coffee.
“What is your reason for divorce?”
She pronounces ‘Kansas’ like the second part of ‘Arkansas’
no..
one…cleans like Gaston
quarantines like Gaston
no one stops spreading COVID-19 like Gaston
Dating a drug dealer in ur early adulthood is absolute necessary character development
My friend and I got the number off the pay phone outside the 7-11 you could see from her house and when people would walk by we’d call the phone and whoever had the longest conversation had to buy the other a Slurpee. Let’s just say I got a lot of free Slurpees that summer.
Oh, you don’t have a Valentine for Valentine’s Day? I didn’t have a groundhog for Groundhog Day.
Did you even think about that??
You can save a lot of money if you just steal everything
Tartar, the sauce so nice they named it twice.
*makes sandwich*
*sits down to eat it*
*sees dog staring at me*
*rips off small piece*
*gives her the rest*
alladin: do u trust me
jasmine: i’ve only known you for 2 hours
a: so u don’t wanna jump off this rooftop
j: lemme ask my tiger first
A lady in Walmart told her son “PUT THAT SHIT BACK” so loud I almost put my shit back
“You have 15 seconds to convince me of why I should call you back. Good luck.”
– my voicemail message