So honored that @funTweeters chose one of my tweets! I absolutely love that site! #FF
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Me: I’m under a lot of pressure, ok?
Diamond: rookie
Therapist: It seems like you have an
acute phobia of marriage. Do you know
the symptoms?Patient: I can’t say I do.
Therapist: Exactly. That’s one of them.
So in conclusion, the zoo would not adopt my children.
“What if we just throw some pretty-colored marshmallows in with some cat food?”
-inventor of Lucky Charms
Whoa. I guess one dude quit:
The Exorcist was probably the worst workout video ever.
Her: You seem so relaxed and comfortable with your mask on.
Me: [quietly sucks pacifier behind mask] *shrugs*
everything i’ve learned about megan fox and machine gun kelly has been against my will
What do whales do on a date?
Net flicks and krill.
#WhaleDay #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
*wins lottery*
Me: fill it to the top, Jeeves
Jeeves: But ma’am, your pool—
Me: I SAID MORE MAC AND CHEESE!!!
My boys are gamers and I’m single
It’s like a race to see who can use the most batteries
If we spell Jeff as Geoff then why not
– Geosh
– Georemy
– Geonathan
– Geonnifer
– Geacob
– Jreg
My mom when I opened up a bag of candy in the backseat of the car.
The main reason I lost my virginity was to ensure I wouldn’t be sacrificed anytime soon.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but you’re not a savage, you’re an idiot.
I’ve reached the point in my marriage that my husband fell asleep on the couch and OMG I AM SO EXCITED I GET THE BED ALL TO MYSELF
How many dates should you wait before you tell a girl that you’re just a barn owl
RACCOON: I’m being burglarized
911: can u describe him
RACCOON: he’s wearing a mask
911: maybe he’s your
RACCOON: nevermind, it’s my husband
A newborn giant panda is about the size of a stick of butter.
And just as delicious.
I’m gaining weight for my role as “‘Before’ picture”
Instead of racism or misogyny, why not hate the people who wear pyjamas and slippers to the airport?
Me: I wonder why you only oversleep when you have school!
My kid: Mumma that’s because on other days it’s just called sleep.
Husband *seductively*: you know what we haven’t done in a while?
Me: Yeah! Slept.
Husband: Correct, good night.
Every work call, he judges.
seashell: [holding me to its ear]
me: [making city noises]
non-violent communication is so important in a relationship! instead of:
“you never take out the trash”
try:
“i FEEL like the spreadsheet i’ve kept for the last six months indicates you only took the trash out 3.2% of the time”
Save your money- instead of a swear jar, just wash your mouth out with cilantro
Me: omg I’m so tired today
Also me: let’s stay up til 2am again and see if it fixes it.
Me: Wanna take this upstairs?
Her: Mhm, but you should know it’s my first time
Me: Don’t worry, upstairs is like the downstairs, just higher
Son:Dad’s trick or treating as a ghost in a bed sheet?
Wife:& heels,eye patch & his hand stuck in a Nutella jar. More like a ghost on ambien