Me: I want you to make me a better person
Frankenstein: you barely touch the one you have now
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me:
table: hi
me: *checks dosage*
ME: [in front of mirror] Bloody Mary Bloody Mary Bloody Mary
*Bloody Mary appears*
ME: I’m moving today and need your help
BLOODY MARY: Shit
Ironically when you cut your own hair the bar for success is not looking like you cut your own hair.
Date: Don’t tell anyone we met online. It’s embarrassing.
[Later]
Friend: Where’d you guys meet?
Me: Family reunion
[the funeral of the writer of the hokey-pokey]
funeral director: why is it taking so long to get him in the coffin?
employee: well every time i put his left leg in…
During a zombie apocalypse, establish dominance by approaching the baddest zombie with the snappiest teeth and braid his hair.
Show me your pushy.
– Sean Connery shext
You are the wind beneath my overly-sensitive, motion-activated floodlight.
Me: when can I start trusting news on social media again?
Them: April fools ends midday
Me: April fools?
After many years of cat ownership you really understand cats… until you get a second cat.
My husband says I never do anything, so I just cleaned out our bank account.
What do you call the sexual orientation where you’re attracted to both and men and women but they’re not attracted to you?
Bi-yourself.
Hansel: What if we get lost?
Gretel: We’ll just leave a trail of breadcrumbs to follow
Duck: Good idea
Hansel:
Gretel:
Duck: I mean quack
ME: isn’t it weird how you get corn in your poop?
DOCTOR: yes but I’ve never seen an entire cob before
Spring cleaning checklist…
Maybe Van Gogh cut his ear off because someone traveled back in time and whispered a Drake song in it.
Did you fall out of a vending machine?
Cause you look like a snack!
I was so stupid whenever I was young. I’m much older now though
Lamaze instructor: What are you doing in here? You certainly aren’t pregnant.
Him: Doesn’t this class teach breathing to enhance relaxation & decrease pain?
Well I have teenagers.Instructor: Welcome to class.
I just got a DM from a chick asking for a retweet and she didn’t even attempt to tell me how good looking or funny I was first, so rude.
i’m a writer the way a potato is a battery
My toddler keeps running over and yelling “BOO!” in my face.
It’s totally unnecessary, though. I’ve been completely terrified of him since the day he was born.
Baseball glove $150. Baseball bat $250.
Uniform $120.
Cleats $100.
Having my son quit in his first week of little league practice … priceless
[Pulled over]
Sir do you know how fast you were going?
MY DOG IS IN LABOR!
Oh! In that case *scribbles*
Here is a ticket for littering.
A mom sat down next to me at the park, smiled and asked, “Which one’s yours?”
I replied, “None of them… yet.”
I’ve dated a guy who collected stained glass and wore bowling gloves so don’t talk to me about standards.
If laziness was an Olympic sport, I’d probably come in fourth so I wouldn’t need to walk up to the podium.
Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.
Went to HR to complain about my coworkers but my mom said she can’t fire my kids
How are there more Canadians on Twitter than in Canada?