4 in 3 people have syphilis. Look to your left. Look to your right. One of you has syphilis twice.
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Before you contemplate starting an argument with me just know I’ll be removing my pants and underwear for maximum effect.
Rob thank god you picked up! Hey remember when you said if I needed a place to crash I cou- hold on *to copilot* STOP CRYING, ROB WILL HELP
You mean ‘idiosyncrasies’ doesn’t mean two or more idiots doing the same thing at the same time?
me: I forgot my line
movie director: I really regret bringing you on this fishing trip
8-year-old: I’m glad it’s the weekend.
Me: You were only at school for two days.
8: You weren’t there.
I forgot the word for decaf so called it a despresso
so my neighbor and i both had mouse sightings this week. here’s how our landlord responded:
I hate when you lose all that progress you made at the gym by going 6-7 years between workouts.
“Dad this is serious I’m in jail”
Hi serious this is dad
“Dad! Be serious! Wait NO!”
HI SERIOUS THIS IS SERIOUS!
If a man remembers your birthday, saves your pictures and knows your family & friends and shares your memories,
it’s not any man……
It’s Mark Zuckerberg
[Home Depot]
Me: Hi, I’d like to return this toilet plunger, please.
Cashier: I’m sorry, is it defective?
Me: No. It worked great
Two things I learned this weekend are:
1. I’m not too old to get in a hammock.
2. I’m too old to get out of a hammock.
In my opinion it’s the aborted fetus’ fault for not carrying a gun for protection
Every time you downvote a reply, Twitter releases a lion emoji to eat that user.
Why hasn’t anyone stopped him?
I never give money to those Salvation Army people because I know they’re just gonna spend it on more bells.
I paid $5.99 for The Interview. I now want North Korea to kill me.
Local Person: That Pizza Hut over there used to be a KFC and Taco Bell.
Me: I love hearing history like this.
Called it
A song called “Baby It’s Not *THAT* Cold Outside” where I’m just trying to get the lady to leave
Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.
The priest said that the demon really wants to leave, but I’m way too clingy, so the exorcism didn’t work.
They just got engaged at a hibachi restaurant — and the chef wrote their initials in rice!
Yes I’m doing it wrong but I’m doing it wrong in the right way.
Day 20. Still lost at sea. Crew thinks I know how to plot a course with a protractor. I just like making it walk on the map. Pointy Leg Man.
*watches a house fall on you*
*steals your shoes*
no one’s wearing a mask anymore not even bank robbers
I like my men how I like my cheesecake, rich and straight to my behind.
Me: Hey Mr. DJ, do you take requests?
Dj: Yes.
M: Excellent, can you turn it down a bit.
Me attempting to flirt: So do you also like eating food?