mom: you’re 42 years old I’m not reading you a bedtime story every night
inventor of the audiobook: if you won’t, I’ll find somebody who will, Ma
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My buddy telling me to invest in crypto I’m like dude I haven’t even figured out regular money yet
Someone forgot to tell my body that calories after midnight don’t count
I just apologized for sending someone a text using shouty font because I couldn’t remember the term “all caps”.
Spreads legs… Nope
Spreads two other legs …. Nope
Spreads two others …. Dammit, no
Spreads last two…. BINGO!!
– spider sex
I avoided Walmart like the plague before it was the plague
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
*sees baby*
*crouches down, does some cute baby talk*
*no reaction from baby*
*stands up slowly*
You’ve made a powerful enemy today, baby
Me: can you spell wonton backwards?
Friend: not now !
[5 minutes after being trapped in an elevator]
Finally, an excuse to drink my own urine
Her: Do I look fat?
Him: Do I look stupid?…
Festive toon…
(to kid at lemonade stand) i ain’t buying shit until i find you on yelp
My daughter has decided singing happy birthday to her is punishable by death
Maternity confirmed
Who called it a wedding licence and not marry-time law
The government created this winter storm and then closed the roads so I couldn’t go to lizard king church. I don’t even recognize this country anymore.
Doctor: Have you noticed any differences since you’ve started the medication?
Me:…I rap a lot less.
My husband and I love to play “who can pile the most into the trash can without taking it out” and I can assure there are no winners her. Just cursing, garbage covered losers
Sorry I typed “Lucky escape!” instead of “I’m so sorry your wedding has been cancelled.”
Told someone what city I live in.
“Oh are you married to a doctor?”
“No. My husband is though.”
It breaks my heart to think that of the 100 million hardworking pads of paper in this country, only about 20% are legal.
What does $50 get you at the Chanel store?
13 seconds of eye contact.
math teacher: you currently have a 55% in this class and you need at least 60% to pass
me: is there anything i can do to raise my grade?
math teacher: if you do this one assignment, i’ll give you 10% extra credit
me:
math teacher:
me: i don’t- is that going to be enough
Protect your Twitter account from plagiarism by only tweeting things that nobody cares about.
Me: *pretends to get electrocuted as we shake hands*
Guy who was just about to offer me a job: Ok I’ll probably be in touch
Person: “Why are you in a wheelchair?”
Me: “I was born this way. You should have seen the tiny wheelchair in the ultrasound.”
Kenny Rogers: You’ve got to know when to hold em’
Neo-natal nurse: awww
Kenny Rogers: And know when to fold em?
Neo-natal nurse: absolutely not
100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.
Me: So now you will deep dive into my lore?
Interviewer: Well, we prefer to call it a background check.
What is it about a freshly scrubbed toilet that activates my bowels!?
This total stranger wanted to have a spontaneous tickle fight on the street and…oh…nope, never mind I’m being robbed. Guys I’m being rob