British people react to the @BBC posting baseball content on twitter… 😭
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wife: i think the zoo is closing.
me: pff how are they going to make us leave?
(lions roaring in the distance)
Good morning, a spider’s favorite music app is Spotafly and your day can only get better from this joke forward Happy Thursday
Him: which of these two fanny packs is better?
Me:
Me:
Him: you can say neither
Me: oh thank goodness!
Bandanas are back in style, it only took a worldwide pandemic.
Never heard of the diseases mani and pedi, but she says she needs a cure for them.
Brilliant!
Need to know if you’ve been the victim of identity theft? Give me your social security number and I’ll check for you
hen my pregnant friend pulled me aside and was like “I just wanted to get ahead of this.. we’re naming her Grace but it’s not after you. It has nothing to do with you”.
Person: Do you like using a wheelchair?
Me: I tried using a recliner, but it was useless for transportation.
*training the dog to sit*
Me: So you’re already low to the ground, but you must get lower.
My wife gives the best headache.
Art teacher: I think you’ve misunderstood. It’s the models who will be nude.
Me: Well this is awkward.
Whenever I see the words “horse-drawn carriage” I wonder if the horse’s artistic output was limited to means of transportation, or he also did cartoons.
Donald Trump says he’ll open up secret 9/11 files. Miley Cyrus says she’ll flee the country if Trump is elected. Connect the dots, people.
’50 shades of gray’ -worst set of crayola colored pencils.
[Movie theater]
*as the previews begin, I pull an entire ice cream cake out of my refrigerated cooler-purse*
No matter the event, in the Midwest they bring you a casserole. Divorced- casserole. Grandpa died- casserole. You married your first cousin- casserole
There’s no occasion where cheese and canned cream of soup can’t bring everyone together
When you wear a cardigan for the very first time it’s just called a card
I need to stay vigilant while venturing into the ocean this week.
Sharks be looking at me like “I can get three meals out of him.”
Only rings I’m interested in are made from onions.
Me: Any Costco requests?
Husband, who is out of deodorant, toothpaste, and work snacks: Nope, I’m good.
Nice of ads to thank me for watching as if I wasn’t a hostage
If you leave me a voice mail that asks me to call you back at my convenience you have no one to blame but yourself.
You know,this recliner and I go WAY back.
I’ve sustained two tea-pouring injuries so far this week. Suffice it to say I won’t be moving to London anytime soon.
airlines should have an option where you can book distances rather than just destinations. here’s 100 bucks, take me as far as that’ll get me. just drop me in the Atlantic ocean, I’ll figure it out.
U U U U U U
An American’s tile rack after a Scrabble game.
Some stranger replied to a tweet and asked me to date him, so I’m wondering what kind of weirdo does that and what should I wear.
Here’s a list of things I need you to accomplish without any resources to do them with.
-management
Forgot I started my stopwatch. It’s now been 139:27.05 since I wondered how long it takes me to run five miles.