[Haunted House]
Ghost:You’ve been here a week
Me: I like you
G:You knew what this was
M: I thought I was your boo
G: I say that to everyone
You Might Also Like
FRIEND: do u want to hang out this weekend
ME: generic excuse
FRIEND: did u just say “generic excuse”
Sooo romantic. He said I’m a work of art.
Or a piece of work. Something like that.
Nothing like sitting on a chair at your kid’s school to inspire you to never eat cookies again.
2020 became the year I purchased a printer and remembered that printers are the hardest problem in computer science.
if you want a wife that will cook and clean for you then that’s not me. BUT if you want a wife who will support and love you unconditionally then again, that’s not me. i don’t like you
Date: so what’s your love language?
Me: English. I wouldn’t say I love it but I knows it
Website: Make a password
Me: Ok
Website: Make it STRONGER so you don’t get HACKED
Me: Wow alright
Website: Damn that’s a strong password
[1 Week Later]
Website: You got hacked
Me: But my password was so strong
Website: Yeah the whole site got hacked. Our bad
“Necessity is the mother of invention” okay I’m hooked, who’s the dad, is he still in the picture are you guys still together
Grandpa: Look at you, shivering and hiding under the covers like a four year old. It was just a ghost story, no different than the ones I always told.
Me: BUT YOU’VE BEEN DEAD FOR 41 YEARS!
Guy: Must be hard being named after the hay Jesus was born on
Christian Bale: What?
I was feeling very depressed the other week. I went to my psychiatrist and told him I was suicidal.
He asked me to pay in advance.
Noah: it’s starting to rain hurry up you two
Bob the Unicorn: whew we made it
Joe the Unicorn: yeah just in time
That was easy.
me: “so when do you think we’ll see a big hairy boy?”
my hunting partner: “please call them bears”
Zen master: Do you possess the Buddha nature?
Me: Well, I’ve spent 49 days under a tree. But that was just laziness.
Not saying it’s wet out there but the animals are lining up two by two.
H: I’m so tired of people making lame jokes about going into labor on Labor Day.
M: *slowly pulling pillow out of shirt* same
Tornadoes and marriage are alike, because they both begin with a lot of sucking and blowing, and in the end you lose your house.
[March 15]
Brutus: Going 2 the senate?
Caesar: yeah u?
Brutus: yep it’ll be killer
Caesar: how so?
Brutus: like cool u know rad senate stuff
Choose your fighter
You’re not alone. You have an ecosystem of microorganisms on your skin.
Jesus: Listen guys, why has someone written ‘nail appointment’ in my diary?
Judas: No idea, J. No idea.
“Leave the peach cobbler in the kitchen alone,” mother would say, going upstairs.
But I couldn’t help myself. I sneaked in and watched him. Watched him make his stupid little peach shoes, taunting.
“Nobody’s going to wear those,” I’d say. “They’re stupid.”
But on he worked.
Well there goes my Wednesday night.
*eats hotdog like an ear of corn to avoid giving you mixed signals*
luke: *tips hat* waterwalker
jesus: *tips hat* skywalker
Do you ever have irrational anger at some random person in your life you will never see again? For me it’s that lady who woke me up for snoring during Cats.
Old age is nothing but a computer with 1000 GB of memory running on a celeron processor
Me, walking around the limbo bar: Imbeciles
German chocolate cake is just regular cake that doesn’t talk about the 40’s