If you hear a suggestive *zzzzip* in the middle of the night, mind your business. I’m just opening a bedside string cheese.
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DOCTOR: Do you have any questions?
“Can I shower with this cast?”
DOCTOR: What do you think, guys?
PHOEBE, JOEY, CHANDLER, MONICA: Sure!
Penguin 1: [staring sadly out of plane window]
Penguin 2: [supportively puts a flipper on his shoulder] there’s no shame in arriving at the annual bird convention by plane, Colin
“a perfectly placed emoji is better than good punctuation.. ”
said No Teacher ever
You haven’t lived until you’ve had a dog give you the “Jesus Christ go to bed already” look
BOSS: This team isn’t performing, hire someone with a good track record
[2 wks later]
ME: I’d like you to meet our new employee, Usain Bolt
inventor of pita: i have created bread in the form of a pocket.
assistant: aha so you can easily fill it with food.
inventor of pita: oh. [chuckles] oh it won’t be easy.
*internal alarm…awakens at 6am
*presses nose
*sleeps 9 more minutes
I unfollowed a guy in the Navy; too many sub tweets.
Why does that little guy keep jumping from one side of the subway to the other?
Dude, he’s a Metro Gnome
My son just blurted out “crazy that fish breathe a beverage” and then carried on talking about other stuff but I can’t stop thinking about it.
i like calling a man my “former lover” because then it sounds like it happened in france and not in the bonefish grill parking lot
When someone you don’t like is eating them, chips sound like 1000 asteroids smashing into the polar ice caps.
i asked my mom why she was crying and she said because shes choping onions which is sad becuase as a young child she was adopted by onions
Turns out you don’t need to have a large gathering to still argue about religion and politics.
[Facebook]
Wife: Hubby is making breakfast for dinner![real life]
Me: *tosses Cheerios at the baby*
Now, where’s the sport in that?
Sometimes I lie and tell my husband I spent $300 at Costco so he’ll stop talking to me.
wife *opens First Aid kit*
me:
wife: Why would you fill it with Cheetos?
me [bleeding] It was funny at the time
[Mother’s Day text to my wife]
Don’t let the kids know I sent this but do you know where we keep the powdered sugar and band-aids?
Girl, are you E=mc ²? Because I do not have the energy to figure out what is the matter with you.
cannibals be like “lose 20 pounds in a week” then eat your arm
Welcome to Applebee’s! Can I take your order or do you need a few minutes to reflect on the mistakes you made in life that led you here?
*slams a five on the counter*
“Bartender! Give me another!”
*bartender pours me another bowl of Cinnamon Toast Crunch*
A large group of Canadian Geese is called a Nightmare.
You’re eating Cheetos on the couch and playing a video game. Your “battle cry” isn’t striking fear into the heart of anyone but the dog.
Just done a HIIT workout and if anyone sees me trying to do that again just go ahead and hiit me in the face
Me: *enters 3-45 into Excel*
Excel: Ah, yes you must mean March 45th
She was a mystery to me, much like the hair you find when you uncap the Chapstick.
writing an email takes 5 hours. 4 hours and 55 minutes to avoid and stress and obsess about it and 5 minutes to write it
Writes “He owed me $50” in funeral guest book.