okay, whoever wished for avocado to become “the poor man’s butter” again, put down the monkey paw
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If you send multiple one sentence texts, I will mail a raccoon to your face I’m not kidding.
who called it an octopus not an armarmarmarmarmarmarmarmadillo
OPTIMUS PRIME: This is just because I’m also a car. I want to be clear, you being inside me is not sexual for me.
ME: Okay but you saying it that way every time makes me feel like it might be.
I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.
Deciding to work in HR is like choosing to be the dorm RA for the rest of your life
Good morning to everyone except the sentient computer who locked me out of the space station
One of my coworkers didn’t show up to work this morning so I had to wait on half the restaurant by myself for brunch and I said he better be in jail and it turned out he was in jail
You can tell a lot about a person by eavesdropping in on their conversations in the bathroom.
[Cocktail bar]
WAITER: Ok, what are you having?DATE: The worst night of my life
ME: [scanning menu] haha what a name to give a cocktail
[True Love’s gf on 7th day of Christmas, forcing smile]
awww Swans! how sweet! thx hon, these 7 birds will go nicely with the other 16 birds
Me: *looking at spider in my bathroom*
Spider:
Me:
Spider:
Me: so, are we gonna do this superhero thing now or do you want me to flush you?
If you’ve seen one Santa, you’ve seen a mall.
My boss asked me for a brief word. I said “underpants?” and we laughed and laughed and I’m clearing out my desk.
She said she loved my personality, but I was drunk and can’t remember which one I was rocking.
Helped my son flush his betta fish today. He asked “Dad, does God love bettas?” & I said “Dunno, son, ask him after we flush you.”
There’s a reason the iPhone autocorrects “Yolo” to “tool.”
“But, Daddy, I don’t want to shower, because after I’m done with the shower, and before I dry off, I’m really soaked…”
– My kid, coping with the realization that water is wet.
I was told that exercise helps with your decision making. It’s true. After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.
i was going to get married, but
my wife refuses to sign the
divorce papers
My neighbors started fighting and I can hear everything, so yes my life has a meaning again
You never forget the first 800 people you sacrifice to Satan.
*Buys map of world, pins it up on wall*
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Visits the middle of the Atlantic Ocean*
Road Runner was my favorite cartoon that showed running from your problems works if you’re fast as hell.
In my mind, I’m about 22-years old. Then I walk by a mirror.
me: dinosaurs can’t jump
her: how do u know
me: they’re dead Linda
Don’t have money for a cab so I keep calling ambulances and telling them I feel better when I’m close to my destination
Hate when I lay out too close to the shoreline and the other beach goers team up to try to push me back in the water.
If I was stuck on a desert island with only one record, I would want it to be the record for being able to swim the farthest.
Twitter is like a soap opera for some of you.
I’d like to be the one who sneaks into the hospital and unplugs your life support.
I believe there are people on this planet who were born to get in everyone’s way at the grocery store.