What was I like in high school? You know that guy who drove a Camaro and banged all the cheerleaders? I’m the reason he passed calculus
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trainer: how long can you plank?
me: I pretty much planked after high school tbh
If you buy something with a lifetime warranty and it breaks, the manufacturer will send a hitman to your house.
NASA Social Media Manager Considers Himself Part Of Team
Oh boy, it’s that time of election year when all the politicians start wearing jeans to get down on the level with us regular folk. You’re gonna need to wear a kilt and the blood of my enemies if you want my vote this year, Brad.
When they say shirts versus skins, they mean your own skin, not someone’s skin you brought from home.
Me: I have too much to do, there’s not enough hours in this day!
Also me: *takes buzzfeed quiz to see what my Easter Bunny name is*
Me: *paddles kayak in circles until someone comes out to help me*
Them: You need some help out here?
Me: Can you bring me a beer?
I can’t believe I gave up my best sleeping years to raise children.
if you ask your child what the magic word is and they say ‘please’ then i guess well done. but if their eyes become blackholes and they speak in ancient mysterious rhymes then also well done and good luck
Her: I’m into gymnastics.
Me: Me too.
Her: What kind?
Me: Parallel bars.
Her: Wow!
Me: Yup. I drink at this bar & the one across the street.
*wakes up from 20 year coma*
SHIT, MY TAMOGOTCHI
[robbing a bank]
Bank teller: *slides over money* here you go
Me: *slides it back* can I make a deposit
Her: You’re perfect as you are, don’t ever change a thing.
[later]
Her: Er, that didn’t include your underwear…
Me: This escape room is really hard.
Guard: I said lights out!
Please be gentle with me I used to be a baby
[solar eclipse]
SUN: OMG everyone’s taking my picture today, they must love me! Do I look ok? Hope nobody photobombs me
MOON: Hold my beer
Baby showers are fun until someone has too much champagne and starts a plastic knife fight over a corner piece of cake.
I need a ride home.
Why is aggravated murder a charge? There’s never like a passive and calm relaxation murder.
ME: This house is haunted by a teenager who died here
HIM: Nothing is happening
ME: It’s midday, he doesn’t get up until mid-afternoon
I took my meds at someone’s house the other day and they asked if I needed to take them with carbs I said no, and it’s been days and I still wish I said yes so they would have given me carbs
My dad would freak tf out!🤣💀
If I were lost and all I had was a compass I would still be lost.
[Argument at family dinner]
Wife: *Whispers to me* Don’t start taking sides this time.
Me: Why not? *sliding roast potatoes in pocket* They’re too busy yelling to notice.
Yes Pony Express?
I ordered a pony 27 minutes ago and I still didn’t get it. What kind of fast food joint do you run here?
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
[heaven]
Abraham Lincoln: If only I’d stayed in that night instead of going to that show.
Batman’s parents: Same.
I found eleven dollars in the dryer this morning and spent the rest of my day interviewing investment advisors.
From now on when skinny girls say they’re fat I’m just gonna be like, “Yup” & walk away.
I have nothing in common with people that say, “I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy.”