[teaching son to swim]
Me: get this wrong & you die
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You know a corn maze is going to be intense when it has a missing-child poster at the entrance.
There’s a knock at the door. I open it, but there’s no one there. Unsettled, I slow down a little and pull into the middle lane.
HER: Boxers or briefs?
ME: Depends
HER: Really? But you look so young.
not sure if Ambien makes you tweet racist stuff but I can confirm pairing Makers Mark with Hot Pockets at 1AM will make you ‘like’ all of your high school crush’s Facebook photos
[at my funeral]
Priest: he died doing what he loved
My friend Pete from the back: he liked it yeah but I wouldnât say he loved making toast in the bath
âThatâs horrible ! Iâm never getting married !â
– My 9yo, after I told her my wife and I no longer surprise each other with gifts, we just tell each other what we want
Talking to a toddler is like working customer service. For example, sheâs screaming at me and Iâm apologizing for something I had nothing to do with.
I made garlic mashed potatoes and there isn’t a vampire for miles that is brave enough to come near us.
So I ordered a cake from a renowned bakery in Nagpur, through #Swiggy. In the order details I mentioned âPlease mention if the cake contains eggâ. I am speechless after receiving the order đđź
8yo played some songs for me on the recorder, and I clapped enthusiastically when she was done, but then she glared at me because it was just the intermission and all Iâm saying is thank god this venue has wine.
Wife: Don’t you think the yard needs to be mowed?
(from my recliner I check google maps satellite view of our house)
Me: It looks fine to me
My friend, the police officer: I have to arrest a district court judge for malpractice, the whole story is out in this magazine, look at the cover
Me: Hope u have proof, else u know what you are doing right?
Friend: Huh, what?
Me: You are booking a judge by the cover
If “bae” means bacon and eggs then yes, I’m chilling with my bae
Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers
Being a parent means calling your parents to apologize for your past behavior
I used to wonder how anybody could possibly drop a cell phone in the toilet. Used to.
*inventing the mirror*
âPeople donât have enough to worry about.â
Glue a BB into the cap that goes on the air nozzle on car tires. Slowly lets the air out of the tires. Person refills tires and always puts the cap back on. After the 3rd or 4th flat tire they end up buying a new tire. đ No one ever thinks to look inside the cap.
âWhile you were gathering nuts and playing your silly squirrel games, I studied the blade.â
Was folding laundry and accidentally folded myself into a shirt and gently tucked myself into the drawer and then softly closed it???
[Dog yoga class]
Teacher: Alright, let’s go into downward human pose
[Dogs hunch over and start pretending to text]
me: looking for a dining table to enhance the â¨aestheticđ of my apartment
also me: egge?? đŽ
Someone left an honest-to-goodness Yellow Pages phonebook on my front porch today. I immediately notified the Smithsonian. kids, ask your parents what a phonebook is.
Parents are like âi donât want my teen having sexâ and i get it. I had sex as a teen and now every full moon I turn into a giant sex
dvd? why are the Ds fighting??
The best thing about parenting babies and toddlers is that you can dress them up as like, a croissant for Halloween, they donât give a shit.
Went jogging and came back after 2 minutes because I forgot something.
Forgot Im out of shape and can only jog for 2 minutes.
If your kid complains about how bored they are during winter break put a cape on them and say, “Now you’re super bored!” and then fly away.
video games where you have to repair your gun or like change the oil in your motorcycle or whatever can take a damn hike. there’s plenty of tedium in my actual life–i wanna chainsaw a mutant in half, not fold virtual laundry.
âWhoeverâs in charge of this music sucksâ
This is a funeral. Show some respect.
âWhoeverâs in charge of this music sucks, sir.â