You don’t need flavored coffee. It already has a flavor. Coffee.
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Judge: I’m disappointed to see you back in my courtroom.
Defendant: I’m disappointed to see you back in my courtroom.
J: Stop that.
D: Stop that.– repeat offenders
HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA VALUE YOUR FRIENDSHIP TOO MUCH TO RUIN IT WITH SEX. SURE, YOU’RE ATTRACTIVE, THEY JUST DON’T SEE YOU IN THAT WAY
Nice try Friday the 13th. But this is 2020.
COP: are you armed
ME: yes
COP: your “love gun” doesn’t count
ME [sadly]: then no
My fiancée loves to say she’s color blind, yet anytime starbursts are being eaten in the car I get passed the orange and yellow
Me to client: Is there anywhere else you’re purchasing supplies with other than me?
Client: sadly no. Just you.
Me:
Client: I didn’t mean it like that!
My grasp of English, my journalism degree, and my sanity are all in question since I instructed my kids to put on “long sleeve pants” this morning
Why do eyes have little mustaches? And other things that vex me late at night.
Breaking news:
It’s easy to lie to people.
My phone was dead. I mailed it 2 weeks ago. Your baby is so cute.
If I was in charge of the Batman movies I would do a brief scene where it’s implied there is a Batman in every city in America, each of varying skill. For example, the one in Grand Rapids is locked in his car
As the argument over the best way to dispose of a body escalated, I realized the date was going well.
Are there a lot of abbreviations for Maine or is it just ME?
It has come to my attention that some of you are eating the bottom half of cupcakes. That is the peel, people. Know your fruit.
me: I want to spend a month on a desserted island
Wife: you mean deserted?
Me: no
I’d be far more impressed with He-Man if he went all the way and got his doctorate of the universe.
Thigh gap? Give me some corduroy pants and I’ll start a fire.
I told all my colleagues at work that I have a twin so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.
Nike is coming out with a line
of Air Brady football shoes.They have a built in suspension feature.
You just have to let some air out.
If I was stuck on a desert island with only one record, I would want it to be the record for being able to swim the farthest.
If you carry a clipboard, put a pen behind your ear, wear a stopwatch around your neck, and, depending on where you are, wear either a lab coat or a reflective safety vest you can pretty much walk right in anywhere you like.
what if everything that’s happened lately is just an elaborate ruse to put The Onion out of business
Me: Omg, my legs are like jello!
Trainer: You stood up.
Me: Sooo sore!!
My husband said we should have a ‘date night’
I wonder why he didn’t like it when I introduced him to my date? Husbands, go figure.
Apparently a guy named George Martin leaked all the main plot points of the next season of Game of Thrones in some books he published. Jerk.
Crouching tiger, public toilet seat.
I know I sound like a broken record but tomorrow I’ll sound like a misfiring engine and, next week, continuous loud television static.
Gen Z have no idea how easily accessible music is. I once had to jump off a bridge and narrowly avoid a moving truck to hear Bon Jovi play their latest song Its My Life
Superman: Cool underwater lair. Can I use the bathroom?
Aquaman: The what?
Millennial cop dramas are incredibly tough to write. Since we can’t afford to retire, nobody is ever 2 days away from retirement when they stumble upon The Big Case