A solid knife fighting strategy is to move clockwise in increasingly larger circles until you reach a safe running distance.
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No one cares about a firm handshake anymore. Now a slice of ham in your palm…that’s confidence.
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Oh ok never mind
My boyfriend says I’m like a robot in bed so I’m basically a sex machine.
Let me show you what this mouth can do..
[eats a cheeseburger]
GENE SIMMONS: What is it about me that makes people think I’m gross?
“Hygiene”
SIMMONS: Hi. Now answer my question.
[at doctor]
can u cough for me please?
*coughs*
again please
*coughs*
i see i see. i’m afraid you have a cough
The freebie-jeebies
That feeling you get when someone creepy buys you a drink without asking.
Remember when we wished we could read people’s minds? Social media has shown just how shitty that power is.
Jokes aside, I hope you don’t get partially eaten by a shark on your vacation.
Another great day of being Everyone’s Personal Assistant. Today I helped a young man in his search for love ❤️👍
Every Liam Neeson movie now is just him talking on the phone then killing people, right?
You find my yoga pants distracting…
…would you like me to take them off?
Wow so when an ostrich buries head in the sand, it’s alright; but when I do it, I’m arrested for trying to get rid of a murder victim’s body.
Is it because I’m brown??
I used to have to read my kids a bedtime story every single night until I started randomly killing off characters to amuse myself.
“I take pride in my job. I transport the worlds most precious cargo”
-oh, u drive a school bus?
“LMAO Hell no! I’m a drug smuggler u nerd”
Pro Tip:
If you stab yourself in the thigh with your pen you get to leave the meeting.
Whenever I think I’m having a bad day I think about the time I ran a half marathon and at the starting line all my music mysteriously disappeared and I had to listen to Sugar by Maroon 5 for 13.1 miles
Friend: How’d you lose your voice?
Me: By failing at gentle parenting.
50 Shades of Grey is also the title of the 101 Dalmatians alternate ending where Cruella wins and makes a coat out of the puppies.
The old expression “dollars to donuts” accurately describes my method of currency exchange.
europeans read a lot because their television shows suck
My son is desperate for me to walk to the coffee shop and get him a chocolate croissant.
7yo: You’re being lazy! You’re just doing what YOU want to do!
Me: I’m doing work so we can afford the coffee shop. Are you?
7yo: No.
Me:
7yo: But I go to school so you don’t go to jail.
no one ever comes back
This EpiPen doesn’t write for shit. I’m not sure why this guy that handed me it needs it. He’s just flailing around grabbing his neck.
My reactions
1st child’s problems: I WILL fix this!!
2nd child’s problems: Let me know if you need help.
3rd child’s problems: Good luck.
The adult life I imagined as a child involved less laundry and more group dance numbers.
at least one time somebody must’ve thrown a baby out with the bath water. otherwise people wouldn’t be so worried about it
is nasa ok
When I die, please don’t blame the year. Blame the alligator responsible.
“I really wish I could squeeze that piano over and over” – guy who invented the accordion