ME: [shouting upstairs] dinner’s ready!
6YR OLD: what are we having?
ME: you’ll like it! trust me!
6: I ain’t falling for that shit again
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Hot tip: Apparently it’s frowned upon to make the sound effect tssst when being blessed by a priest
Was shocked to hear this little girl say she wanted to be a street walker when she grows up until I realized she meant a crossing guard.
hello. i am the “friend” everyone has been asking questions for online. it has been a very rough three years but im starting to feel better. thanks for all your advice.
a human soul weights about 1.5 lbs. I know this because I weighed myself before and after I got to work today
Jesus and Mary will occasionally appear on toast, or pancake, or waffles. Always breakfast foods. Why? Because it’s the most important meal.
I had a boyfriend once….right up until the moment my dad asked him “so what do you do?” and he replied your daughter.
He’s Dead.
the way this pissed me off… 😭
I think I am adventurous until I have to follow a detour or park in a tight lot
Some people wake up in the morning & are all like “omg I’m the luckiest person in the world” and I wake up all like “oh my god”
Me: I’m gonna go work on your car
Wife: *remembering the time I thought her car’s air conditioner was called the car brr ator* Please don’t
[waiter brings plate of seaweed wrapped sushi]
ME-what do I do with this?
W-eat it lol
M-all of it?
W-yes
M-alright..[nervously bites plate]
Wife: I’m trying to decide between tacos or pasta for dinner. What are your thoughts?
Me: They’re, like, little voices that say things in my head.
Every woman’s deodorant is called Delicate Whisper and every man’s deodorant is called Beef Shazam!
*Michael Cera stubs his toe on a cotton ball*
Treat your SO like your cell phone. Even if you’re not paying attention to them, keep them safe in your pocket
If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.
For the low, low price of a $25 donation, you too can be totally annoyed by me for several days until you pay another $25 for me to shut up.
If you glue a dead wasp to your palm, you can smack your boss on the back of the head as hard as you want and act like you saved him.
You’ve seen nothing until you’ve seen a picture of a pigeon having a job interview to become a pigeon:
Gaslighting myself with the lid of this Pringles tube like I’m actually capable of some restraint.
A robot robbed a bank but was caught when it’s battery died..
Police have no plans to charge the suspect.I’m here all week😬
BATMAN: I have invested billions in the most state of the art technology to combat crime in this city
GOTHAM: Great! How can we reach you?
BATMAN: Pray for clouds and point this lamp at the sky while I’m beneath the earth in a cave please
Me: You’ve got the same stupid duck face in every picture! Daffy: Erm… 😐
He died doing what he loved: being alive
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Did I mention I’m a vegan?
Interviewer: Your resume is printed on quinoa
Me: I’m a vegan
[dinner time]
me: what would you like to stare at for twenty minutes and then throw away?
kids: whatever’s the most difficult to make
ROOKIE: Looks like the air bag failed to inflate
COP: Actually it did, the guy is just ugly
ME: C’mon guys I’m still alive here
Back in the day there was no Emoji for laughter. We had to write it out, like some sort of scribe.
How to stop Facebook Live and Marketplace notifications:
1) Open Facebook app
2) Go to Settings
3) Throw your phone into a river
I used to be embarrassed when people held my money up in the light to check for fraud but now it’s just another atta girl that my art degree and life of crime is paying off.