Asked my dad and uncle why they weren’t chatting and my uncle goes “we’re done chatting for today” and my dad nods and they continue watching tv in silence
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Immediately after walking into a store with your spouse, stop, block the entrance, and discuss why you both came. It’s all good. I’ll wait.
Cinematography is my passion
#wordsofwisdom
If it says, ‘Do not try this at home’ – go and visit a friend.
I establish dominance by setting my 8 layer dip next to your 7 layer dip at your party.
I would only want to be a ghost if I could randomly bite people
Wife: You won’t believe what Diane did at work today
Me: (thinking, “I don’t care”)
Wife: I heard that
why dont they ever have plagues of endangered animals, like a plague of panda bears. oh no our entire bamboo crop is gone haha
Signed up to be a diplomat. Won’t need a vaccine cause I’ll have that sweet, sweet immunity
Science has yet to explain why sandwiches taste better cut diagonally.
don’t forget to look out for your single friends today! leave shallow bowls of water out around the garden so they stay hydrated! if you see one struggling try and feed it with a teaspoon of sugar water to help revive them!
When you’re shopping with your mom and accidently lose track of her
Postcards are just weird. It’s like, “Hey everyone, feel free to read what I wrote to my aunt until it’s delivered to her house.”
Lawyer: You’re looking at life without parole
Client: [Breaks down crying]
Lawyer: Hey it’s ok I’ve never had a parole either
Wish companies would stop advertising cereal as having raisins or nuts in it and then putting like three in the whole damn box. Is this homeopathic cereal? There was a raisin nearby, and now it’s just a fuzzy memory? Should it be renamed “Raisin Nut Vibes”?
*wakes up, peers outside*
*closes dumpster lid and goes back to bed*
HISTORIAN: im a historian
ME: ah… so… wats ur favorite… uh… year
HISTORIAN: oh, 1901
ME: ah yes… the year they discobvered the… 19th century
Thinking about getting real into bonsai trees. It seems like an expensive hobby that I’ll lose interest in almost immediately, which is right in my wheelhouse
*wakes at 3am*
*sits in dark*
*jingles chains & scratches walls*
*waits for everyone to be so creeped out they can’t sleep & we open gifts*
At bedtime I ceremonially move the claw clip from my hair to the bag of chips, signifying the end of the day.
anybody is allowed to send me $1,400 it doesn’t have to just be the government
Back in my day we didn’t wear helmets while riding our bikes. We just laid there unconscious until someone came and got us for dinner
People who talk to themselves are more intelligent then those who don’t, or at least that’s what I like to tell myself.
Before marrying him please check the size of his head, things are not funny in the labor room😏
I mowed the neighbor’s lawn today. He told me he loved me. “In a purely platonic way.” I told him he was the non-alcoholic grandfather I never had.
Boeing apologizes for miscalculating how many of you they could kill cutting corners before everyone got all mad
her: why is there a duck on your shoulder?
me: he’s my life coach
her: you wanna go to olive garden?
*duck whispers in my ear*
me: that’s a yes
“Can you describe your self in two words?”
– Lazy.
Nobody:
Every dad at the zoo: look I found your real family
Me (comforting a friend who’s team lost): There, there. Football is stupid
[killer in horror movie suddenly appears]
me: *sighing* ugh I JUST sat down