oh frick my wife just asked me to bring 10 pages of my best “husbanding” to the living room for a review
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Interviewer: It says here you’re good with ‘grammars’?
Me: Very yes.
Someone knocked at my door asking if I would like to donate to the children’s home so I just chucked him a few kids
Romance is:
Making her a sandwich and cutting it in half using your miter saw for the perfect angle.
“the rat is not ratatouille, the rat’s name is remy” is the 2000s version of “his name is not frankenstein, he’s frankenstein’s monster”
Superheroes come from broken homes & inattentive parents.
Parents, stop hugging your kids. We need a Batman.
Nothing says entitlement like a goose family crossing the road
This is Kaia. She knows she’s not supposed to be on the couch. In her defense, you were not supposed to be home this early. 14/10
*serious situation*
My brain:
Ski instructor: this is a dangerous sport. One mistake could lead to a broken leg
Horse: I want to go home
DATE: This is my first time at a French restaurant
ME: I feel like I’ve been here once before
DATE: Are you having deja vu?
ME: No I’m having the chicken
Please remind your boss & Aunt Linda that I’ve trademarked the phrase “in these uncertain times” and they each owe me 50 bucks.
GOD: A snake that is also a cat lol
ANGEL: What
GOD: Cat snake lmao
[game night]
date: do you have siblings?me: *flips table*
date: so you’re the youngest
“Ah, Mr Bond, I-”
*closes laptop lid and pulls up trousers*
“-wasn’t expecting you.”
When you put :/ at the end of your text I know you had a terrible stroke and call 911.
*Door creaks open*
*Faces lean in*Wife: They need more lunch money.
9: And money for the book fair.
17: And gas money.
13: And can you sign this permission slip?Me, from the commode: Guys… can any of this wait ten minutes?
They call it “childbirth” lest we get confused and give birth to a full grown adult.
How about I get 100% off by already being there
I call bullshit on red wine reducing fat. If there was any truth to that, I’d resemble a crack addict.
*distant Yogizilla noises getting louder*
The main city in DuckTales being called ‘Duckburg’ is mad. Imagine a human city called Manchester
#polloftheday
you know being royal isn’t a real job cuz 4 people can just stop working and nothing happens. if 4 people stopped working at the mcdonald’s drive thru that shit would go up in flames
“I’ll take the Batmobile. Robin, you take the–”
[Robin doing up laces]
“The Batskates, yeah I know.”
Good mental health at work and good management go hand in hand and there is strong evidence that workplaces with high levels of mental wellbeing are more productive.
📸: @lizandmollie
#positivethoughts #positivemind #positivelife #dailymotivation #keepmovingforward
wife: [steps out of time machine] my god you’ve aged horribly
me: u didn’t even turn it on
[at funeral]
FRIEND: I’m sorry for your loss
ME: Thanks, I would have won our fantasy league if my QB didn’t get injured
FRIEND: I meant for your wife
ME: It’s ok, now she’ll never know I lost
Marriage is like Disneyland. Magical at first but then you realize that there’s someone else in the Mickey suit.
Every time I see someone getting a mud bath I assume they’re hiding from The Predator.
Kilauea volcano is 100,000 yrs old and is active
I’m 48 and I missed my show because the remote was on the other sofa