*shows up to salsa lessons with tostitos* haha what the heck are you idiots doing
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“NEVER MIND, WE GOT ONE.”
What do we want?
“A TIME MACHINE.”
When do we want it?
I’m still trying to dig myself out my ringtone debt from the late 90’s
Good morning to everyone but those being intentionally vague. You know who you are!
Me [wearing a sick mask]: ᴳᵒᵒᵈ ᵐᵒʳⁿᶦⁿᵍ!
Neighbor: Oh no! You have the flu?
Me [completely shredded my mouth eating Cap’n Crunch for breakfast]: … ʸᵉᵖ
If he:
-Changes his entire look for you
-Travels 1,900 miles upstream to chase you
-Procreates and dies
-Replenishes an entire ecosystem with his carcassHe’s not your valentine, he’s a Chinook salmon
Pac-Man gave me very unrealistic expectations about my ability to run away from ghosts.
HR said I have to stop yelling “let’s make a baby” every time I want to collaborate on a project with someone.
If my psychiatrist said “There’s really nothing more I can do for you”, that means I’m cured right??
Dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you both get naked and the societal expectation that women be smaller overwhelms you and the shame u feel about ur body drives you to tears
There are two types of people, those who are clueless about their kids’ schedules and the other who plan it down to the minute. And they end up marrying each other
I’m only leaving the house today so my selfies will have new backgrounds.
It’s truly insane how I’ll still stay stuff to my five year old like “hang on mate, you’ve been saying you’re hungry all afternoon, and now you won’t eat your dinner” as if he’s going to turn around and go “that’s such a good point yeah. You’ve bested me with logic this time”
Him: You seem super chill.
Me: You seem like a bad judge of character.
the funniest historical moment was when achilles’ mom, knowing that dunking him in the river styx would make him invulnerable, didn’t take an extra 2 seconds to dip his heel in to make sure he was 100% covered. just the laziest shit ever
Accidentally switched the baby formula with coconut milk and now my newborn is complaining that her lullabies are “too mainstream.”
I want my house to be tidy enough so that if someone drops by unexpectedly it doesn’t look like we’re six days into battling a poltergeist.
If your wife says “take out the trash” do not reply with “you cooked it you take it out.”
Apparently saying, “You mad, bro?” is frowned upon if you work in customer service.
Going to a strangers baby shower 45 minutes away, this baby better make an appearance for all that effort.
My daughter told me I’m “slightly prettier than Ben Franklin,” so I have that going for me.
When Squidward lost his job and had to stay with Spongebob and he tried to tell Spongebob the TV didn’t work n Spongebob said THAT’S TWO THINGS THAT DON’T WORK 😭😭😭😭
just remembering the time Arthur was murdered by his own father
Doctor – “you’ve been bitten by a spider. Ever see that movie Spider-Man?”
Me – “no?”
Doctor – “and I’m afraid you never will. You’re dying”
Hey. I just… haven’t felt the same since I left you. I wish we could spend all day and night together, but that’s not healthy. For either of us. I don’t know where I’m going with this but I just wanted you to know I’m thinking about you. I miss you.
– texts to my bed
Why did they call it a diaper blowout and not a shituation.
She said she liked a man with a mouth on him and I admitted that I too like someone with all their face parts.
[cutting through Brazilian jungle]
*finds indigenous village*
Hi, I’m a Prime member.
I’d like to complain that my shipping took three days.
“My phone’s about to die.” -Me, 30 seconds into every phone call ….
embarrassed bc i’m walking down the sidewalk and a rat is just like walking next to@me and it looks like we’re together
I was filling out our census, and under “Any additional comments?” I wrote “Reese’s eggs should be available year round.”