Whenever someone jokingly replies, “Blocked,” I laugh and laugh and then go check.
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Turning on a guy is like flipping a light switch. Turning on a woman is like wiring that switch & then building a nuclear plant to power it.
I will die on a white floor just to mess with the chalk outline guy.
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: You’ve already written no
Doctor: I just looked at you and made a guess
Me: well let me tell you, it was a good guess
Test results are in, you might want to have a seat
“I’d rather stand”
Are you sure? You have “Falls Down When Gets Bad News” disease
*Thud*
ME: The enmity we feel toward someone with our name who spells it differently is just silly.
ALLISON: I agr-
ME: WHO ASKED YOU TWO L’s?!
I cleaned out all my closets and now it looks like a flea market threw up in my dining room.
Dear Fox news,
I have yet to see any news about foxes.
Sincerely,
disappointed viewer.
I never finish what I start. I have a black belt in partial arts.
When some crows unintentionally come together to form a group, that’s called a manslaughter.
How is it that tomato sauce can stay hot for 16 hours but bath water can only stay hot for 48 seconds?
I spent over $200 at the grocery store yesterday which means there will be no food in my house by tomorrow.
My greatest magic trick is making stuff magically appear before me in the exact location my husband said he couldn’t find it.
Every time I’m around my mother in law, I wonder who is running hell in her absence.
My husband calls me Sugar and my dog’s name is Sugar so when he says, “C’mere Sugar” there’s an awkward stare down between me and the dog.
Sometimes I have a life and other times I surf YouTube videos looking for a good fight in the comments section.
If you say “anyways” instead of “anyway,” that’s alls I needs to knows abouts yous.
No internet for 11 hours. I’ve written two novels, lost 15 pounds, and forgotten how to pronnounce “gif.”
i don’t understand the desire to rock climb. we have stairs for that now. solved problem
You said that if I went to visit at the hospital I should be sure to take flowers. So, when the nurse wasn’t looking, I did.
Married 25 years, yet the wife and I still find things to talk about every day.
Just not with each other, obviously.
I Knew Better, But I Did It Anyway: A Memoir
[date]
HER: Do you like Star Wars?
ME: Of course
HER: Which character do you identify with?
ME: *leans in close* The complete void of space
My period was late this month and my first thought after realizing it was, “I’m too young to be pregnant”.
Let the reader understand; I’m weeks away from 29 and already have two children.
I went for a job as a stunt double, I stubbed my toe on my way out the door. As soon as I stopped crying, I went to the interview. Bravery.
Netflix should have a catergory called “easy to follow while looking at my phone the whole time”
I honestly think we are asking too much of cauliflower.
Justin Bieber’s home has now been thoroughly searched, but police have uncovered no evidence of talent.
I walk around my yard with a fake neck tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.
WIFE: I thought you said you were going to the gym.
ME: [playing Pokémon Go] I’ve been to like 3 of them today. What are you talking about?