4-year-old: What does God smell like?
Me:
4-year-old:
Me: Nachos.
4-year-old: With cheese?
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Oh that’s my brother, he has his own apartment upstairs
Me: Please be quiet. I’m trying to hear this show.
3-year-old: OK
*breaks into song*
*turns on every talking toy*
*detonates fireworks*
Signed up for the gym because I heard about leg day and hoped I’d pick up a new leg. But all that happened was that it made my remaining leg ache for two days.
I sleep better naked…why can’t the flight attendant understand this?
Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.
I’ll take the seat next to the guy who swallowed the wifi.
*listening to music at the beach*
6yo: Dad, can you play Baby Shark?
Me: No, I don’t have that song I can’t play it.
6yo: You can play it you just don’t want to hear it so you’re lying.
Me: That is correct, yes.
I just got kicked out of a secret cooking society.
I spilled the beans.
So proud of my ancestors for crawling out of the sea and evolving lungs.
Pretty disappointed in them ever since though
me: how would you like the steak sir
sir: well done
me: thank you but how would you like the steak
Hi, I’m Brandon and I’ll be your hater this evening. Our specials tonight are “ur mom”, “lol own3d”, and “u mad bro lol u mad?!??!”
“Hi, my name is Gary and I’m a shopaholic, my favorite place to shop is the alcohol store.”
Sorry I called you an imbecile.
I should’ve realized I would have to explain to you what that means.
A Hallmark movie where the heroine is such a Karen that she ruins Christmas, the adorable son of the widower tells her to go back to her law firm in the city, and ends with the whole town chasing her with pitchforks.
I don’t have an alarm clock, I have cats
You think 2020 is bad, wait till 2025 when the Murder Ladybugs invade.
I just bit into a dorito and had a piece of cool ranch seasoning fly into my eye and blind me and make me scream like I was being burned with acid so maybe don’t let me on your apocalypse survival team
Honey Boo Boo changes name to Sugar Scab.
I just need a shovel and a good alibi.
Hubby is redoing Sis’s kitchen. Today he kicked down a wall like a one man SWAT team. I’ve got the ibuprofen gel on standby.
When clowns first attacked these shores nobody took it seriously. It’s just one boat, how many could there be, they said.
“20 McNuggets for $5? That’s like a quarter a nugget!” I exclaimed, hoping that my dinner date would be impressed with my math skills.
I support robot taxis. How else are robots supposed to get around?
Boss: If you fall asleep again today, I’ll fire you
Me: ok
Boss: Now go and do the sheep inventory
Me: oh no
Ke$ha in different currencies:
Ke£ha,
Ke€ha,
Ke¥ha.
Lucky she chose USD… British KePoundHa or Vietnamese KeDongHa might sound a bit odd
Why is it called gluten intolerance and not “going against the grain”?
Saw a dog mark every single mailbox in sight but his own. Thought of you.
Ain’t No Sunshine When She’s Gone(Absence of special lady creates cataclysmic world ending event)