Adam: hey this is amazing we’re the first people ever, can you belEVE it lol
Eve: oh right, you like puns
Adam: have you EDEN dinner yet lmao
Eve: think I’m gonna go talk to this shady looking snake
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If life gives you a cactus that doesn’t mean you have to sit on it.
Sleep is basically free drugs, so people who think you need less sleep are narcs
Why do people say they tried calling me? No, you did, in fact, succeed in calling. I just didn’t answer.
‘Please, I need this’, I whisper as I try to steal a baby goat from the petting zoo.
Friend: Wanna go out with me for a beer?
Me: I’ll go out with you *finger guns* for free
ME AT 15: “I want video games to have the best graphics and biggest explosions and deepest stories and coolest characters to show that this is truly the art form of the future pew pew pew”
ME AT 35: “I want video games to have an option to make text bigger.”
Went to my bosses funeral this weekend. I leaned over and whispered in his ear.
“who’s thinking outside the box now Gary.”
[Security breach at Wayne manor]
BRUCE: *brooding darkly*
ALFRED: The back door is literally just a waterfall
About two weeks ago @funTweeters used one of my tweets on their website. My mom still has that tweet on the refrigerator.
I wish I had my mom’s zest for living. she once took a kitchen knife and carved a giant hole in the wall of her closet because she “always wanted a house with a secret passage.” mom you live in a trailer
Me as a teen: Only 150 hours?
Me as an adult: I will literally pay you more money to make this game shorter
I used to have dreams.
Now I have Doritos.
[5:30 AM alarm goes off]
Me: Wanna have a quickie?
Wife: I have to get up in 5 minutes.
Me: Oh, so regular sex then?
am i supposed to have a separate mouth with which to kiss my mother please advise
When ever I put on my mask to go into a store, I hear a voice in my head that says “cover me, I’m going in”
Nobody:
The Sun: I’m gonna make your underwear turn into a damp rolled up towel so you walk like you just rode a horse
The healthy food in my fridge should be grateful really. It survives much longer than everything else.
Still the funniest sequence of tweets I have ever seen
Me: Me and the wife are heading to pound town.
Wife: London. He means London.
Mulder: it’s some sort of over-fed grim reaper judgment figure.
Scully: we’re at the mall, Mulder. That’s just Santa.
I finally shaved my legs.
Do I contact Locks of Love or do they contact me?
Dancing naked and the neighbors saw me.
Dora: “Swiper, no swiping!”
Swiper (on Tinder): …
I recently bought a corset to spice up my sex life. Once I’ve learned how to breathe in the damn thing I’ll tell you how it worked out.
Reasons I’m like Donald Duck:
1- Mainly white
2- Kinda fat
3- Rarely wears pants
4- Highly irritable
5- Hard to understand
6- Prisoner of the Disney Corporation
7- Genuinely confused if Goofy is a dog or what the hell
My husband and I are bonding over how much we hate our marriage therapist, so I think it’s working?
Before meeting a hot chick, wish I could talk to the dude who’s sick of her bullshit.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes. I like to watch.
Netflix: I’m worried about you.
Me: Just play the next episode.
Netflix: When was the last time you saw the sun?
Me: There was an outdoor scene in episode 7. Play on.
every single person who owns two cats has one beautiful idiot and one terrifying demon plotting a coup