I don’t know if it’s a cold or a flu, I’ve decided to feed it anyway.
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Hey girl, are you a check engine light? ‘Cause I’m not sure what you’re trying to tell me but I have a feeling you’re going to ruin my day.
Friend: Can you give me a ride?
Me: I’ll give your MOM a ride!
[Later]
Me: So Mrs. Tromlhorn, anywhere else besides the dentist?
A Dwayne Johnson impersonator is a sham-Rock.
MIDDLE EAST: How can we stop ISIS?
EUROPE: How can we save our economy?
AMERICA: What color is this dress?!
*In the elevator*
Guy: Good morning ladies. You two going down?
Me: No. We’re just friends
Guy: ….
Not sure what a Shakira coochie board is but white people really like it
*eats a carrot*
*checks off new year’s resolution*
I had a lazy eye as a child and now the rest of my body has caught up.
I do this really cute thing, where if I walk by a car that has a stick figure family on their back window, I peel a kid off.
People often talk about having the devil on one shoulder and an angel on the other. For me it’s more like Spock and Homer Simpson.
My 13yo is upset that the tooth fairy didn’t leave him any money last night and I’m upset that I have a kid who still believes in the tooth fairy
LOL, Investigation Discovery, for assuming your victim was murdered at night just because she’s wearing pajamas.
My neighbor once told me when I straightened my hair I looked like Jennifer Aniston, two days later he was taken away in a straight jacket. I think about that a lot.
Me: More fur & these cute little whisk-
Police Sketch artist: you’re describing a cat
Me: please his birthday is today & he loves portraits
Toasters are just Jack in the Boxes for adults.
*cleans house while wife’s out*
W: *walks in* wow babe, thanks so-
M: APRIL FOOL’S *runs around making huge mess til it’s worse than before*
My 5yo doesn’t always play his harmonica, but when he does, it’s at 6:33 in the morning.
I keep my eyes in great shape by rolling them constantly.
Just when I thought I had my life together. I found my missing shoe in the microwave.
Adorable idea. Colleagues have been writing names on their food in the office fridge. I am currently eating a yoghurt called Debbie
Her: You ate that banana so fast, I don’t even think you took the sticker off the peel.
Me: Peel?
When I say that I’m on low battery and can’t talk, rest assured I’m never talking about my phone.
Me: Don’t tell me you’ve never thought about having sex with me.
Her: No, I never have….
Me: I asked you not to tell me that.
i get a version of this tweet a lot. and i feel like i finally nailed the reply today.
so, ya know, showing off!
doctor: are u drinking enough fluids
me: i’ve never drunk anything else
It was cool when I taught my kid at 2yo to whisper, “your soul is mine” back to us.
It was cooler when she started whispering it to anyone she was introduced to.
When someone cries, “No one gets me”
I immediately snatch them and put them in my trunk and yell, “I got you”!
I’m following around cop cars all day to let them know how it feels.
date: so how are you?
me: I’m doing good! how are-
guy behind me: you mean you’re doing “well”
date: who the hell is that
me: I told you I had a corrections officer
Me: You should cut your toenails.
Wife: Huh?
M: You’re scratching my leg.
W: I’m WAY on the other side of the bed!
M: That’s kinda my point.