Ever since those 2 weeks in 2008 when no one noticed I was missing, I won’t go into a corn maze without a machete.
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But wait…..does your wife know that you’re divorced?
Some of you people, plus the magic marker I ate earlier, make me sick.
Instead of throwing away broken phone charger cords, 5 years ago I started saving them for an experiment. I’m 3 cords away from a complete world wrap around.
God inventing people:
Put a cap on the tip of their fingers for protection, because they will hit their fingers with a hammer, you know what let’s confuse the shit out of them and call it a nail too
8 yr old: mommy, why are you laying on the floor?
Me: I just did 438 sit ups.
8: sounds legit.
I’ve taught her well.
hoping jesus comes back soon, preferably on a monday, so we can get another holiday
If you can steal a scarf away from Johnny Depp he has to grant you one wish.
Doctor: you’ve got-
Me: [cigarette in mouth] lung cancer?
Doctor: nope, diabetes
Me: huh [finishes eating candy cigarette] weird
I don’t remember daylight savings having this much of an effect on me. Last night I went to bed at 9:30 and this morning I woke up standing in my neighbour’s backyard dressed as a scarecrow.
Me: I’ve never played football but I have been clotheslined by a telephone cord.
My kids: What’s a telephone cord?
Looking through 15’s yearbook:
Me: you’d crack up looking at my high school yearbook from 1995.
8: did they have color pictures back then?
😒
Guess I’ve had too much caffeine…I thought this lady was a muppet.
I had a rough childhood. I saw things that no one should ever have to see. For example, The Phantom Menace.
Content is king. But timing is everything. Then again… location, location, location. You should probably just do everything perfectly.
Not to brag but I can keep up with the fast part of the chicken dance…
Fixed this for Shakespeare
Throw the donuts in a food dehydrator so you can fit more in your wallet.
Her: You’re really rockin’ those white pants.
Me: These are my legs.
Friend: Can you drive me to work next week?
Me: What time?
F: 6 AM
M: 6 AM?! Hold on….
*pushes my car off a bridge*
M: I’m back. No.
at my local diner ordering eggs “gorilla” style and refusing to explain further
Her: let’s role play
Me: ok I’ll pretend I’m a firefighter
Her: hot
Me: *narrows eyes*
You’d be surprised how many times you can use the word succulent in a work email.
[inventor of the piano]
Tables aren’t noisy enough.
My kids have strategically placed items in an overflowing garbage can like they’re building a Jenga puzzle.
Have kids. It’s fun.
(Watching the new James Bond Trailer)
Daughter 9: Wow. There is so much reckless driving happening here….
An Italian engineer was kidnapped in Nigeria.
Demands were sent via email to his family, but they just got deleted as spam.
I don’t know why so many people blame their air conditioning for their inability to spell.
Had a job interview at a mirror store today and I gotta say I could really see myself working there
Her (seductively): Anything special you want tonight for your birthday?
Me: You know what I like in bed, baby.
Her:
Me: *winks*
Her: *leaves the ceiling fan on*
[driving on the highway]
My son, distraught: oh no. This is bad. This is very very bad.
Me: WHAT? WHAT IS IT?
Him: my Funyuns. I can’t find my Funyuns.