It turns out that you can only spray so many people down with Febreze before they fire you as a Wal Mart greeter.
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It’s the little things that show you care. When she makes my sammich I always ask her if she wants a bite.
the uber app should have what songs the driver’s playing
It infuriates me that computer Scrabble doesn’t get mad when I win even though I’m livid when it wins.
What we need is more companies making hot sauce. I need 900 more ways to taste a thing that tastes exactly like all the other ones.
It’s not an octopus. It’s a water spider. And yes, so called “marine biologist”, if you live in the ocean you swallow 8 of them every year.
I watched DJ Khaled on SNL and I still have absolutely no idea what it is he does exactly.
Oh ok learning the difference between doing one thing a day that scares you and one thing a day that scares your doctor
Owner: What makes you qualified to be the new zookeeper?
Me: I found the place
Owner: So?
Me: Finders keepers
Owner: *leans back in chair* Well damn
We got two inches of snow last night and now I can’t find my Smart Car.
I like mascarpone cheese. It sounds like the sort of cheese that would have ruled organised crime in 1920’s Chicago with an iron fist.
[Watching Star Trek with my date]
ME: *leans in* It’s called Star Trek but the stars don’t actually go anywhere.
Sometimes when my husband gets too comfy I like to whisper sexy suggestions like how amazing the neighbor’s lawn has been looking so I can watch him leap out of his chair and rage mow our yard into perfection
My mother in law did not appreciate my request she “say hello to jesus for me” on her way out the door for mass
I’m the kind of girl who won’t stop until you’re screaming your safeword.
Related: Your safeword’s the first 16 digits of your credit card.
Inventor of the Ouija Board: I have created the most evil family game ever
Inventor of Monopoly: oh, child
Me: Time to give the undergoblin the Ol’ Razzle Dazzle…
Gynecologist: We’ve talked about this…Please, stop.
librarian: that’s $34.92 in late fees
me: *whispers* waldo’s really hard to find
Just saw my 4yo eat a banana like a corn on the cob… so yes the quarantine has changed us.
My husband needs a hearing aid but refuses to get one because it’s the key to our happy marriage.
I haven’t had a donut since two thousand and quarantine.
I told my son that the leader of the mosquitos was the bossquito and then my wife called the cops.
I was watching my son at soccer practice and couldn’t believe how good he’s gotten. I was trying to figure out how he improved so much in just a couple of days, and then I realized I was watching someone else’s kid.
5: mummy can I clean the plates
Me: yes of course
5: it makes me happy to clean plates *walks away*
Me: where are you going
5: to watch tv
Me: I thought cleaning plates made you happy
5: not on a Tuesday
Sorry I panicked and told your kids that Santa is able to visit every house in one night because he does meth.
$10 says some idiot is gonna hear the word Ebola and think “that’d be a great name for my new baby!”
My 8-year-old correctly used the word “aesthetic” in a sentence.
When I asked her where she learned it, she said YouTube.
That site is ruining her life. It’s turning her into an English major.
One Saturday morning at three,
A cheese monger’s shop in Paree.
Collapsed to the ground,
With a thunderous sound,
Leaving only a pile of de brie.#Limerick #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
a former teacher who loved saying “lack of planning on your part does not constitute an emergency on mine” just reached out to me about getting comp tickets to a show of mine because she didn’t realize it would sell out.
wellllllllllllllllllllll well well well WELL.