“Constructive criticism” was invented by some tyrant as a way to say, “I’m going to upset you and you’re going to thank me.”
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My husband pissed me off so I made him his favorite chocolate chip cookies and used black beans instead of chocolate
I’m going on a shiny hair journey. It doesn’t seem as if my hair is going with me, but I’m going.
[sneezes and shoots my tampon out so hard it sets off another false missle alarm in Hawaii]
There should be a special rating system for movies that tells you how uncomfortable you’ll be if you watch them with your parents.
Every house has this drawer
POV: Your company’s HR director is about to fire you on a Zoom call
Her: How do you like your bacon?
Me: In bulk
My children were pretending to lead a workout class, and one of them stopped and yelled “tater tot break” and this is a fitness trend I can fully embrace.
HER: *Crying* Then after the car accident my dog died, and—
ME: Hey, hey… *puts hand on her shoulder* This is a bad story. You’re telling a bad story.
me: excuse me where’s your restroom
salesman: it’s for customers only
me: [doing the pee dance] ok I will have one ford explorer please
If you see someone wearing camouflage clothing, bump into them.
It only takes a second of your time & it makes them feel like it works.
I found some pot in my son’s room. Has anyone noticed how odd the word s-p-a-t-u-l-a sounds when you keep saying it over and over?
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: Talked to someone today about remaining human when society crumbles. Was told to “please pull up to the window.”
When people write to tell me I’m not good at comedy, I reply “Well you’re not good at fan mail” then we all laugh &they are proved wrong.
When you do drugs, you’re also doing all the drugs that those drugs have done.
No matter how bad things get I remind myself I could be trapped in a pyramid scheme convinced I’m a business owner.
Being an adult is way worse than being a kid. No matter how good I do at work no one ever takes me out for ice cream after
officer: give me your name
me: then what am I going to use?
Caller ID really needs to be more detailed like “Your neighbor Todd needs help moving a couch” or the “ex wife is on her way over go hide in the basement.
me: that girl and i used to have a little fling.
friend: what happened?
me: it got stuck in a tree.
Weekends in your 20’s: Making rash decisions
Weekends in your 40’s: Googling rashes
me: 11 can you come here
11: am i in trouble?
me: …no…but…should you be?
11: no.
me: sus.
Wife: Put the dishes away I have other things to do.
Me: ok
*Me loading dishwasher with wife watching entire time to ensure I do it right*
*Closes refrigerator door and hears contents inside fall*
Well… sounds like a problem for the next person.
Me: I’m going to start packing lunch to save money.
Also me: *eats entire lunch in traffic and orders takeout at noon*
*pronounces bondage like corsage.
Naw, I don’t have jaundice. Just accidentally grabbed the wrong color foundation again.
*skydiving*
Jumper: Where’s your parachute?
Married Guy: Don’t need one
J: There’s no chance of survival
MG: Not trying to beat the odds
Important news x ( everyone needs this on a Monday morning )